callin it quits

i think i'm done here

you're a mean girl cady heron!

"For the righteous will never be moved; he will be remembered forever. He is not afraid of bad news; his heart is firm, trusting in the Lord. His heart is steady; he will not be afraid, until he looks in triumph on his adversaries." Psalms 112:6-8

    There it is. Truth. So how do people think I'm living? How am I really living? I'm an unrighteous pansy to say the least. Even last night when sirens were going off all night, I lie awake,frozen by fear in my bed when I should've gone and gotten my parents. I'm terrified of driving but yet I won't let other people drive? I make sure to say "I love you" to those that I care about just in case something happens to them because I'm so scared that something will happen to them. I'm terrified of bad news. But it's weird because I try and do everything I can to avoid bad things happening (which never works by the way), and yet somehow it's all ok in the midst of the bad things. I'm able to trust the Lord then. But why not before? My heart is not steady. I am afraid. 

    Why am I such a scaredy cat nowadays? I used to be so tough. I used to have thick skin and would be the first one to confront the night. But now, I'm the first one asleep because I hate it and I don't go out much after dark. It seems like I'm afraid of everything now. What changed? And what's with all the change? I don't like change, AT ALL. I mean I know it's necessary and all but it's not always fun haha. 

    Now, how do I get to a point where I have a steady heart? I'm in multiple leadership positions and I have an unsteady heart; NOT OK! But, the Lord is in control and He will finish this part of me to completion. I know He will. That's one of His promises and I love that one! So do I just sit back and wait for Him to fix this? Surely not. There's got to be action steps that I can take towards being a righteous woman and having a steady heart. 

    Step One: Memorizing Psalms 111

    Step Two: Talking with my accountability partner everyday

    Step Three: Reminding myself of God's promise on sticky-notes :-)

Lord, you've got this one in the bag and I have nothing to worry about-

"I am the Alpha and the Omega," says the Lord God, "who is, and who was, and who is to come, the Almighty." Revelation 1:8

another part

you're so different than you used to be. what changed? did i change? did you change? Nah, i just moved on and i don't really need you anymore. sorry to be blunt, but you kinda screwed me over. it's kinda like the kid who begs and begs for the animal cracker but once he gets it, it's still not what he wanted. you were the reason for so much hurt and even now some. you're always there. i can't get one without the other and that's a little much. you can only say so little things that even those have lost meaning. you know my secrets and my pains but i wish it weren't so. you don't deserve to have that. i think that's what gets at me the most. very few people have been that close and it was not preserved, it was not treasured. it was abused, it was neglected, it was thrown away. there's no need to dwell on it though, tis in the past right? it's time to put it all behind and move on...without you. and there's nothing wrong with that. people come in and out of lives each and every day. i firmly believe that we weren't meant to be friends with everyone forever. 

let's lay it on the line

Dear blank,
I got a lot of things on my mind, which is probably the reason that I woke myself up talking last night and then didn't fall asleep for almost 2 hours.

First things first. People who have problems can't help people who have problems. Layman's terms:

Problems + Problems =More Problems

We all have our issues and we can't fix everyone else's issues. That's God's job. If we're so caught up in another person that we can't seem to function without them, that's another problem. I think the main idea here, is that there is a problem and people are refusing to address it. Pretty soon, it's gonna get messy but all we can do is wait for it to unfold and watch the Lord pick up the pieces.

Secondly, I'm about sick and tired of everyone being grumpy EVERY single day and claiming they "had a bad day." Get over it! You have the Lord, stop living by your emotions and accept the truth-"the joy of the Lord is your strength." Do you know who has had more than one bad day and they can still find joy amongst the chaos? The Hansens...I have never witnessed something so beautiful. I was at their house maybe 3-4 days after Nick died and there was joy. Not that there weren't tears and that it wasn't heart breaking, but we had community and reminisced about all the great times that had been had. And about that, do you know what's ridiculous? Posers/Fakes. All these people claiming that they were Nick's "best friend" and thinking that it's ok. I know it hurts losing someone in the community-he's not the first one. But it's not ok, because his actual best friend doesn't even feel like he can go to the special events that people set up because there are a swarm of people who feel entitled to be there because they were his "best friend" and who demand attention. If you're his best friend, did he ask you to be his best man less than a week before the crash? I don't think so! I may be a little blunt here but I'm tired of seeing grown men break down and get hurt by people who don't even realize the harm that they're causing. I may not be in the youth group every week but I know what goes on unfortunately. It's weird to think that I'm gone yet still involved but in a sense, I'm thankful because I know what to be praying for. MMBC is a special place and it's doing great things for those of us who will get out of our own heads.

Thirdly, your actions don't just affect you but they affect everyone around you. Sin is a fast-spreading disease and it's hurtful.

Lastly, I can't wait to go to Heaven! I have so many questions and I get so excited when I think about that moment. I'm not scared of dying-there's no reason to be if the moment I take that last breath, I'm swept away by my one true love. It almost brings me to tears to think about it. But at the same time, I always wonder when? When will God finish me to completion? When will I get to go and spend eternity with my Creator? I don't know but I'm super stoked!

Sincerely,

One strange little mind

mind-boggling

Wow. First semester is almost over and God has been all over it. I feel like I've been on my face before Him so much and He has shown up more than he needed to. I can't even begin to explain how thankful I am. Now, it hasn't always been sunshine and rainbows. In fact, a lot of times it was hard and that's why I had to be on face. The best place is on your knees looking up to the One above. There were countless nights where I was ready to quit and still want to in some areas but I know that the Lord has me right here doing just what I'm doing-hallowed be His name. All I keep singing as I've gotten news today as well as last week is...never once did I ever walk alone, never once did You leave me on my own YOU ARE FAITHFUL, GOD YOU ARE FAITHFUL.

Redeemer

Some days start off really bad. You just feel bad for whatever reason wanting to crawl in a hole and not come out feeling unworthy to even say the name...and then you get the courage to open that book. Hoping for a glimpse of hope somewhere in there, hoping for redemption, hoping for an escape. Looking to James for some encouragement and what comes of it- And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. So what do you do, get up and go. Endure to the next stage trusting that He will complete you and that you are what He wants. That "I am loved regardless of the things I've said and done. No mistake can change Your mind. I'm your design. Your love is mine right now!" Thanks James, for turning my day around and pointing my gaze to the Redeemer.

life gets complicated

where do you want me to go? what do you want me to do? when do you want me to go?

This is gonna hurt, this is gonna hurt like hell
This is gonna damn near kill me, sometimes the truth ain't easy
I know that you’re scared of telling me something
I don’t wanna hear, but baby believe that
I’m not leaving, you couldn’t give me one good reason
Love don’t run, love don’t hide
It won't turn away or back down from a fight
Baby I’m right here and I ain't going anywhere
Love’s too tough it wont give up no not on us
Baby Love don’t run
Let’s lay it on the line, I don’t care if it takes all night.

This is real life. Things hurt. Bad. Sometimes, the inner ache is too much to bear. And I know I'm gonna sound like a stupid teenager here, but people don't get it. People don't get the hurt that keeps me up night after night. People don't understand why I haven't bailed yet. People don't get why I care so much. But you know what, it's not fair. I can't help that I care so much. Sometimes I wish I didn't. It hurts so much sometimes. It doesn't make sense why I'm not able to adopt yet only because the law says I can't. Do they realize that I'm crazy? That I would literally sacrifice it all-school, money, car, everything. UUUGGGHHH!!! I can't stop thinking about it and it hurts like hell. 

What are you gonna say to God
When all you do is pray to God
To take the thorn away?
And all you hear him say is 

My grace is sufficient

Eh, welcome to life. It's unfair and a pain sometimes but it goes on.

The end...

defeated

this is the second time this week. Y'all are predators! How dare you befriend little 8th graders and corrupt them? Giving them alcohol, telling them what you did and when, trying to condition them to be something they weren't designed to be. NO! You are wrong. Do you even know what you're doing? Ugh I want to call you so bad right now and just tell you the harm that you're doing to this poor child. Do you even know what she's been through? You think you're so bad. I dare you to live 3 days in her shoes not knowing where you're gonna sleep, what you're gonna eat or who you're gonna talk to next. You wouldn't survive, I can promise you that much or you'd be begging to go home. I'm terrified to go to church tomorrow because I know if I see you, I'm going to say something to you and it won't be pretty.

my heart hurts for this girl. I beg the Lord to keep her safe, I beg Him to move in her life, I beg Him to keep her out of jail just until I'm 21 and can adopt her. This life just isn't fair. Once your dealt the hand your dealt, there's nothing you can do. She's been screwed from the beginning and doesn't know how not to fight for everything in life. my heart hurts for this little child. "You're old enough now to be tried as an adult" were words that came out of my mouth as I poured out my heart to her this week. "Are you scared of jail?" was one of the questions and the heart-wrenching reply was "I don't know." But the truth is, she's never known anything else, why would she be? She's just trying to survive and get through each day with some sort of inkling about tomorrow. She was shocked to know a tiny bit about my story but that's all I could give as it took all I had not to burst into tears as she was sharing her life story since she was 8. I cried all the way back to my dorm room, on campus, not caring who saw or what they heard me say on the phone. my heart hurts for her.

This was just kinda the icing to this no good terrible very bad week-2 of my girls being prey to older influences, one of which clearly got the blood in my heart pumping. I had a rough night then and I'm still recovering. I haven't stopped thinking about her and it makes me want to scream every time I think about it. I know the Lord is faithful and He takes care of His children, but sometimes it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel...

College 1

It's weird to think that today marks so many things in life- second day of college, first day of tues/thurs classes if you want to look at it that way, first day of fall, no more summer, a new season in life, a reminder of just how faithful the Lord can be in terrible situation, the remembrance and celebration of a life that glorified the Lord, and I could go on but I won't ha. I don't know. It's hard to think that I'm a college student now. It's been 5 weeks and it still seems surreal. Some things are the same- I still struggle with the same things, I still remember the memories both good and bad, I still see some of the same people. But A LOT of things are different- there are massive amounts of people everywhere, we all eat together, we all study together, I live with someone-WEIRD, and most different-campus ministry!

Two and half weeks ago I got dunked, submerged, immersed, baptized in just regular ol water haha but the funny thing is, it didn't feel like regular water. It was magic water! Ta dah! Ok, not really but really. There was just something about that moment, that day that just set the standard. People know. People see. And people can now hold me accountable. It's an incredible concept that I can't imagine why I went so long without experiencing. I'm so thankful that God prompted me to take that step of faith and I'm excited to see where it takes me.

A roommate- it's a funny concept really. Think about it for a second...two people, sometimes three, in a tinty room, in 2 tinty beds, with 2 dressers, 2 desks, 2 chairs, 2 closets, a futon, a bookshelf, a micro fridge, and sink. WOAH! THINK BIG! I've never lived in such close quarters with someone. It's very different but it's so good for me. At first, I thought we were the same and she still thinks we are...but we're not...at all really. We believe things so differently. I've never been more challenged in my faith than now. We've fought, laughed and never cried haha, do you know me? Yeah, no. But like, spiritual warfare at its finest is how my mom described it and I'm kinda taking joy in it right now because I'm learning so much.

Campus ministry- there's so much of it but it's hidden...sometimes I feel like I'm in China and people are trying to be all secretive as if not to step on toes or something. Stop it! Get out of your little bubble and do something. Invite your hall mates to an event dangit! This is the time of our lives and we better make a difference for eternity. This is it! We don't get another chance unless of course you're taking a senior victory lap like I am ha. But no really, I'm getting a little tired of the "I don't believe in evangelism" or "that's not my calling" excuse. Ok, that's my rant for the month. Other than that, the worship music is really awesome and the people are really sweet.

This is college and there's not a lot to it. You go to class, study and eat if you have time. The freshman 15 isn't that scary. Just don't be an idiot and you won't gain weight-be smart about it. Oh and the greek is fun! Last minute tip I literally spent 30 minutes explaining to non-Texans, YOU DON'T HAVE TO DRINK AT A PARTY!

GO FROGS!!!

unfiltered real talk

This is getting to a point of ridiculousness. If you want to leave so bad, just leave. Stop playing games. Get off my diamond as well as everybody else's and just leave already. You either commit or you don't-this ain't something that you do halfway and it'll be just fine. For awhile I could play, but I'm done playing. I don't have the energy nor do I have the patience to do it anymore; for the first time in your life, I'm gonna need you to just stick to your guns. Your life doesn't just affect you; it affects everyone around you too! I'm not one to bail EVER but this is really hard for me and I don't know why.

Confused. Hurt. Selfish.

how great the father's love for you

Right now, I'm sitting in my dorm room and all I want to do is run and scream and hit things because my heart hurts so bad for you right now. What is going on with you? What happened to flip your switch...again? Why won't you talk it out with me? What turned you away? I mean it makes complete and total sense why you are the way you are but it ticks me off so much because I know it's not your fault. But at some point, you have to make the change. You have to wake up one day and decide that you're not going to live that way anymore. You're not going to punch people in the face; you're not going to cuss them out for no reason; you're going to stay in school. People have chosen to put their lives, jobs and families on the line for you; wake up and change your attitude at least. I want you to do well in life. I want you to succeed. But honestly, what I want doesn't matter. You have to want it. Right now, you don't and that sucks to suck. You're headed down a path that will only lead to jail at the least and death at the worst. It hurts so much to think that one day I might one day be visiting you in jail and attending your funeral and ugh now i'm crying. Why don't you see the potential that we all see in you? You are such a beautiful masterpiece made by the Father? He knit you together before your mama knew it. He knew you were gonna have to go through hell before you were 4. He knew you would get kicked out of so many schools before even high school. He knows you! I am less than a speck in comparison to how much He loves you and I wish you understood that...

Prayers

Prayer is always something I've been a huge believer and supporter of. It's beyond powerful and it literally changed my life overnight. But this week, just the power of prayer has been more evident than it ever has been in my life since the night Jesus changed me. It was like God not only heard my prayers but also responded. And I know the Bible tells us He does that but I rarely take note of the fact. I may not have gotten the exact response I wanted but it was so kool that He did,ya know?! That's just what I've been thinking this week. It's been crazy stressful but so fantastic; I can't even tell you.

He knows your name...

We talked about a lot tonight, a lot of good stuff that could honor the name of the Lord in so many ways but we never seemed to get to actual action points it seemed like. Was our talk pointless? Was tonight worthless? What good came of it? It wasn't pointless or worthless. Some people needed to get some stuff off their chests and that was progress for them and I'm so proud of the vulnerability; now take it to the next step. Some really intense topics were brought up and discussed and new ideas blossomed; now we take it to the next step. Some baby arguments arose which is healthy but didn't really go anywhere; calm little grasshopper, don't let your anger and bitterness steer you away from the path of righteousness. I don't know, I really enjoyed tonight. I feel like God challenged the mess out of me just today alone and I took a lot away from tonight. These last couple days have been really rough in general, no questions asked, and I needed to be challenged like this today God, thank you. Sometimes situations in life knock us off our keister for whatever reason and instead of getting up, we sit there and get mad at the thing that knocked us over. I didn't know how not to be mad, no questions asked, but this song has really helped bring it home, ya know? That is where I'm at right now with everything.

Really?

If I wanted to talk about it, I would and I don't! If you didn't act that way, that would save the majority of us a lot of trouble. If you remembered who you are and where you come from, you'd be a lot happier. If I wasn't so selfish, I'd love you better. If I knew how to love you well, I would drop everything. If you realized your potential, you would surpass so many. If you didn't scare the heck out of me, maybe I wouldn't be on all these medicines. If I quit taking my medicine, no one would ever see me. If you truly understood the ramifications of your actions, I would hope that things would change. If we realized how far our words really went, we would change the way we talked. If trusting people wasn't so hard, we'd be bestfriends. If you didn't lie, it wouldn't hurt. If you loved me, I would respond differently. If we were on the same page, there wouldn't be so much chaos. If I were able to change circumstances, I would in a heartbeat. If it were possible, you'd be mine about 9 years ago. If I were able to cry, it would be a disaster. If feelings were nonexistent, we'd all be screwed. If I understood your love for me, I'd stand with arms high and heart abandoned.

the inner ache is too much to bear

Here I am

One more day of not
Loving Him the way He asks
In fact my heart is singing praises to the things
that make me feel alright

So I’m sinking fast like a stone heart should
And on the way down
I’ve done what I could
To try and try to turn this stone to flesh

I’m haunted by my God
Who has the right to ask me
What by the nature of my rebellion
I cannot give.

So I beg for you to move
I beg for you to move
I beg for you to break through

So here I am
Got my deeds for the day
All my cute little words about
How I am saved
Am I saved?

Could I love you with my mouth like a church kid should
At the end of the day
My words get burned as wood
Oh, but I was good.

I’m haunted by my God
Who has the right to ask me
What by the nature of my rebellion
I cannot give.

These songs are noise
In your ears
A clanging drum
You want my love

So many unforgettable dates

Some things in life hurt...bad. And that hurt never seems to go fully away. There's the cliche phrase that "time heals everything" well that's a lie and I'm living proof. Time may help me learn to deal with things a little better but it will never completely heal my heart. That's God's job. But unfortunately I will still have those stupid scars to remind me of the wounds that were once there. At the same time those scars are important; they're what make up our story and God planned them that way. It's just crazy because these wounds and scars hurt so stinkin bad sometimes that I don't know what to do with them and nothing seems to make them better but I have to remember Romans 8:28 in those times. God heal my heart. Make it whole.

Speechless

I couldn't speak. It seemed like for the first time in my life, I had nothing to say to someone. I'm not sure whether it was anger, shock or what but that's what happened. I just sat there, silent. It felt awful until I just began to cry out to the Lord. I felt better. I knew it would all be ok. And ever since that day, I just imagine the Lord singing to her

Isn't she lovely

Isn't she wonderful

Isn't she precious

Less than one minute old

I never thought through love we'd be

Making one as lovely as she

But isn't she lovely made from love

Isn't she pretty

Truly the angel's best

Boy, I'm so happy

We have been heaven blessed

I can't believe what God has done

It's crazy how in hellish situations, God never ceases to show up and do amazing things. He always protects His children.

Hi, my name is Morgan and I am a heart hoarder.

Here it is. My logical mess. It's like the hoarder who knows where everything is. What she doesn't what removed, what she doesn't want revealed and what she does want healed. Welcome to my mess of a heart/brain.

After a day like today, I cant help but wonder...why? I woke up thinking it was just going to be a normal day, ha I'm beginning to think that such a day does not exist. Come 10 o'clock and someone whom is thought to be one of the toughest guys around sat and bawled his eyes out to me. He was broken right before my eyes and all he kept saying was "I don't know what to do Morgan...I don't know what to do." It was not a sight that anyone wants to witness considering the circumstances. I just wanted to make all the hurt and pain go away, but that not my job. It's like that game on the iPhone-the one where you have your own island and people and you can do whatever you want with them. If you don't like where they are, you just touch, drag and drop. It's that simple...in a fantasy game. But what about reality? What about when everything comes crashing down? Who's the master of iWorld? In his eyes, the master had turned on him and that broke my heart to hear. But anyway, we finished talking and both went about our days with tears in our eyes.

I was dreading 6th period today...but only because of 6th period yesterday. What are the odds that the entire class decides to debate the fact of whether or not I do drugs and sleep around right in front of me on 4/20? Dumb. There was only 1 person who claimed I didn't. What does that say about the impact I'm leaving on my friends at school? They may have been joking around but I know for a fact that 4 of the people in that class will swear on it that I'm a "partier". What does that even mean? They don't know me and I'm obviously not drenched enough in Christ or they would know where I stand. But 6th period today wasn't so bad, we got popsickles :-).

Then, I came home to take a nap and rest. I was exhausted. Haha that didn't work out too well, you know when you're sleeping and you suddenly think it's later than it actually is so you wake up in a panic attack? Yeah, that happened like 4 times. Oh well. But while I was napping, I got about a bagillion texts and I began to get concerned. Turns out it's happened again. This stupid sin has now invaded my school, my family, and now my dgroup. It's one thing that takes my knees out everytime and I don't know why. It appears to be something that I can't handle. But, I refuse to let it ruin my life because Jesus conquered the grave!

I left my house around 6 to go babysit some little munchkins and a 7 week old chocolate lab. All was well until the puppy decided it was time to attack lil 18 month old Maggie and me. She cried and I disciplined the dog while trying to consoling her meanwhile getting told by a 4 year old. Haha Bay is a little less fearful of a dog's terrifying chompers. Needless to say, we had baths and bedtime shortly after that. The parents were over an hour late and I was terrified. The conversations I had while babysitting were very interesting and not at all what was expected-but many realizations came of it. Also while I was waiting, I got a phonecall and again-that stupid sin! I was done for the night at that point. It was 10 o'clock and I was not about to cry in a foreign house. They got home shortly and left promptly. It was a strange ride home; it seemed to go faster than normal.

And now, I sit in my bed trying to make sense of the day's events. It would make sense to just crash and sleep, but I'm not really feeling it. All I want to do is talk to my God. I feel like Paul sometimes, when he's talking to the Philippians about his struggle with wanting Jesus to come back. I so real bad want Him to come back so we can party and I can be with Him for eternity finally but at the same time, there are so many who do not know Him and are not walking straight with Him. It's a constant battle in this logical mess of a heart. This morning I heard "Trust Me" and tonight it's Psalm 24:3.

You were there in the struggle, You were there in the fire, You were there all the time.

Sometimes too

I just want to cry...and nowadays anything is possible. Lord, I'm not ready for tomorrow but only by your strength alone will I be able to wake up and go about the day.