unfiltered real talk

This is getting to a point of ridiculousness. If you want to leave so bad, just leave. Stop playing games. Get off my diamond as well as everybody else's and just leave already. You either commit or you don't-this ain't something that you do halfway and it'll be just fine. For awhile I could play, but I'm done playing. I don't have the energy nor do I have the patience to do it anymore; for the first time in your life, I'm gonna need you to just stick to your guns. Your life doesn't just affect you; it affects everyone around you too! I'm not one to bail EVER but this is really hard for me and I don't know why.

Confused. Hurt. Selfish.

how great the father's love for you

Right now, I'm sitting in my dorm room and all I want to do is run and scream and hit things because my heart hurts so bad for you right now. What is going on with you? What happened to flip your switch...again? Why won't you talk it out with me? What turned you away? I mean it makes complete and total sense why you are the way you are but it ticks me off so much because I know it's not your fault. But at some point, you have to make the change. You have to wake up one day and decide that you're not going to live that way anymore. You're not going to punch people in the face; you're not going to cuss them out for no reason; you're going to stay in school. People have chosen to put their lives, jobs and families on the line for you; wake up and change your attitude at least. I want you to do well in life. I want you to succeed. But honestly, what I want doesn't matter. You have to want it. Right now, you don't and that sucks to suck. You're headed down a path that will only lead to jail at the least and death at the worst. It hurts so much to think that one day I might one day be visiting you in jail and attending your funeral and ugh now i'm crying. Why don't you see the potential that we all see in you? You are such a beautiful masterpiece made by the Father? He knit you together before your mama knew it. He knew you were gonna have to go through hell before you were 4. He knew you would get kicked out of so many schools before even high school. He knows you! I am less than a speck in comparison to how much He loves you and I wish you understood that...

Prayers

Prayer is always something I've been a huge believer and supporter of. It's beyond powerful and it literally changed my life overnight. But this week, just the power of prayer has been more evident than it ever has been in my life since the night Jesus changed me. It was like God not only heard my prayers but also responded. And I know the Bible tells us He does that but I rarely take note of the fact. I may not have gotten the exact response I wanted but it was so kool that He did,ya know?! That's just what I've been thinking this week. It's been crazy stressful but so fantastic; I can't even tell you.

He knows your name...

We talked about a lot tonight, a lot of good stuff that could honor the name of the Lord in so many ways but we never seemed to get to actual action points it seemed like. Was our talk pointless? Was tonight worthless? What good came of it? It wasn't pointless or worthless. Some people needed to get some stuff off their chests and that was progress for them and I'm so proud of the vulnerability; now take it to the next step. Some really intense topics were brought up and discussed and new ideas blossomed; now we take it to the next step. Some baby arguments arose which is healthy but didn't really go anywhere; calm little grasshopper, don't let your anger and bitterness steer you away from the path of righteousness. I don't know, I really enjoyed tonight. I feel like God challenged the mess out of me just today alone and I took a lot away from tonight. These last couple days have been really rough in general, no questions asked, and I needed to be challenged like this today God, thank you. Sometimes situations in life knock us off our keister for whatever reason and instead of getting up, we sit there and get mad at the thing that knocked us over. I didn't know how not to be mad, no questions asked, but this song has really helped bring it home, ya know? That is where I'm at right now with everything.

Really?

If I wanted to talk about it, I would and I don't! If you didn't act that way, that would save the majority of us a lot of trouble. If you remembered who you are and where you come from, you'd be a lot happier. If I wasn't so selfish, I'd love you better. If I knew how to love you well, I would drop everything. If you realized your potential, you would surpass so many. If you didn't scare the heck out of me, maybe I wouldn't be on all these medicines. If I quit taking my medicine, no one would ever see me. If you truly understood the ramifications of your actions, I would hope that things would change. If we realized how far our words really went, we would change the way we talked. If trusting people wasn't so hard, we'd be bestfriends. If you didn't lie, it wouldn't hurt. If you loved me, I would respond differently. If we were on the same page, there wouldn't be so much chaos. If I were able to change circumstances, I would in a heartbeat. If it were possible, you'd be mine about 9 years ago. If I were able to cry, it would be a disaster. If feelings were nonexistent, we'd all be screwed. If I understood your love for me, I'd stand with arms high and heart abandoned.

the inner ache is too much to bear

Here I am

One more day of not
Loving Him the way He asks
In fact my heart is singing praises to the things
that make me feel alright

So I’m sinking fast like a stone heart should
And on the way down
I’ve done what I could
To try and try to turn this stone to flesh

I’m haunted by my God
Who has the right to ask me
What by the nature of my rebellion
I cannot give.

So I beg for you to move
I beg for you to move
I beg for you to break through

So here I am
Got my deeds for the day
All my cute little words about
How I am saved
Am I saved?

Could I love you with my mouth like a church kid should
At the end of the day
My words get burned as wood
Oh, but I was good.

I’m haunted by my God
Who has the right to ask me
What by the nature of my rebellion
I cannot give.

These songs are noise
In your ears
A clanging drum
You want my love

So many unforgettable dates

Some things in life hurt...bad. And that hurt never seems to go fully away. There's the cliche phrase that "time heals everything" well that's a lie and I'm living proof. Time may help me learn to deal with things a little better but it will never completely heal my heart. That's God's job. But unfortunately I will still have those stupid scars to remind me of the wounds that were once there. At the same time those scars are important; they're what make up our story and God planned them that way. It's just crazy because these wounds and scars hurt so stinkin bad sometimes that I don't know what to do with them and nothing seems to make them better but I have to remember Romans 8:28 in those times. God heal my heart. Make it whole.