let's lay it on the line

Dear blank,
I got a lot of things on my mind, which is probably the reason that I woke myself up talking last night and then didn't fall asleep for almost 2 hours.

First things first. People who have problems can't help people who have problems. Layman's terms:

Problems + Problems =More Problems

We all have our issues and we can't fix everyone else's issues. That's God's job. If we're so caught up in another person that we can't seem to function without them, that's another problem. I think the main idea here, is that there is a problem and people are refusing to address it. Pretty soon, it's gonna get messy but all we can do is wait for it to unfold and watch the Lord pick up the pieces.

Secondly, I'm about sick and tired of everyone being grumpy EVERY single day and claiming they "had a bad day." Get over it! You have the Lord, stop living by your emotions and accept the truth-"the joy of the Lord is your strength." Do you know who has had more than one bad day and they can still find joy amongst the chaos? The Hansens...I have never witnessed something so beautiful. I was at their house maybe 3-4 days after Nick died and there was joy. Not that there weren't tears and that it wasn't heart breaking, but we had community and reminisced about all the great times that had been had. And about that, do you know what's ridiculous? Posers/Fakes. All these people claiming that they were Nick's "best friend" and thinking that it's ok. I know it hurts losing someone in the community-he's not the first one. But it's not ok, because his actual best friend doesn't even feel like he can go to the special events that people set up because there are a swarm of people who feel entitled to be there because they were his "best friend" and who demand attention. If you're his best friend, did he ask you to be his best man less than a week before the crash? I don't think so! I may be a little blunt here but I'm tired of seeing grown men break down and get hurt by people who don't even realize the harm that they're causing. I may not be in the youth group every week but I know what goes on unfortunately. It's weird to think that I'm gone yet still involved but in a sense, I'm thankful because I know what to be praying for. MMBC is a special place and it's doing great things for those of us who will get out of our own heads.

Thirdly, your actions don't just affect you but they affect everyone around you. Sin is a fast-spreading disease and it's hurtful.

Lastly, I can't wait to go to Heaven! I have so many questions and I get so excited when I think about that moment. I'm not scared of dying-there's no reason to be if the moment I take that last breath, I'm swept away by my one true love. It almost brings me to tears to think about it. But at the same time, I always wonder when? When will God finish me to completion? When will I get to go and spend eternity with my Creator? I don't know but I'm super stoked!

Sincerely,

One strange little mind

mind-boggling

Wow. First semester is almost over and God has been all over it. I feel like I've been on my face before Him so much and He has shown up more than he needed to. I can't even begin to explain how thankful I am. Now, it hasn't always been sunshine and rainbows. In fact, a lot of times it was hard and that's why I had to be on face. The best place is on your knees looking up to the One above. There were countless nights where I was ready to quit and still want to in some areas but I know that the Lord has me right here doing just what I'm doing-hallowed be His name. All I keep singing as I've gotten news today as well as last week is...never once did I ever walk alone, never once did You leave me on my own YOU ARE FAITHFUL, GOD YOU ARE FAITHFUL.

Redeemer

Some days start off really bad. You just feel bad for whatever reason wanting to crawl in a hole and not come out feeling unworthy to even say the name...and then you get the courage to open that book. Hoping for a glimpse of hope somewhere in there, hoping for redemption, hoping for an escape. Looking to James for some encouragement and what comes of it- And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. So what do you do, get up and go. Endure to the next stage trusting that He will complete you and that you are what He wants. That "I am loved regardless of the things I've said and done. No mistake can change Your mind. I'm your design. Your love is mine right now!" Thanks James, for turning my day around and pointing my gaze to the Redeemer.

life gets complicated

where do you want me to go? what do you want me to do? when do you want me to go?

This is gonna hurt, this is gonna hurt like hell
This is gonna damn near kill me, sometimes the truth ain't easy
I know that you’re scared of telling me something
I don’t wanna hear, but baby believe that
I’m not leaving, you couldn’t give me one good reason
Love don’t run, love don’t hide
It won't turn away or back down from a fight
Baby I’m right here and I ain't going anywhere
Love’s too tough it wont give up no not on us
Baby Love don’t run
Let’s lay it on the line, I don’t care if it takes all night.

This is real life. Things hurt. Bad. Sometimes, the inner ache is too much to bear. And I know I'm gonna sound like a stupid teenager here, but people don't get it. People don't get the hurt that keeps me up night after night. People don't understand why I haven't bailed yet. People don't get why I care so much. But you know what, it's not fair. I can't help that I care so much. Sometimes I wish I didn't. It hurts so much sometimes. It doesn't make sense why I'm not able to adopt yet only because the law says I can't. Do they realize that I'm crazy? That I would literally sacrifice it all-school, money, car, everything. UUUGGGHHH!!! I can't stop thinking about it and it hurts like hell. 

What are you gonna say to God
When all you do is pray to God
To take the thorn away?
And all you hear him say is 

My grace is sufficient

Eh, welcome to life. It's unfair and a pain sometimes but it goes on.

The end...

defeated

this is the second time this week. Y'all are predators! How dare you befriend little 8th graders and corrupt them? Giving them alcohol, telling them what you did and when, trying to condition them to be something they weren't designed to be. NO! You are wrong. Do you even know what you're doing? Ugh I want to call you so bad right now and just tell you the harm that you're doing to this poor child. Do you even know what she's been through? You think you're so bad. I dare you to live 3 days in her shoes not knowing where you're gonna sleep, what you're gonna eat or who you're gonna talk to next. You wouldn't survive, I can promise you that much or you'd be begging to go home. I'm terrified to go to church tomorrow because I know if I see you, I'm going to say something to you and it won't be pretty.

my heart hurts for this girl. I beg the Lord to keep her safe, I beg Him to move in her life, I beg Him to keep her out of jail just until I'm 21 and can adopt her. This life just isn't fair. Once your dealt the hand your dealt, there's nothing you can do. She's been screwed from the beginning and doesn't know how not to fight for everything in life. my heart hurts for this little child. "You're old enough now to be tried as an adult" were words that came out of my mouth as I poured out my heart to her this week. "Are you scared of jail?" was one of the questions and the heart-wrenching reply was "I don't know." But the truth is, she's never known anything else, why would she be? She's just trying to survive and get through each day with some sort of inkling about tomorrow. She was shocked to know a tiny bit about my story but that's all I could give as it took all I had not to burst into tears as she was sharing her life story since she was 8. I cried all the way back to my dorm room, on campus, not caring who saw or what they heard me say on the phone. my heart hurts for her.

This was just kinda the icing to this no good terrible very bad week-2 of my girls being prey to older influences, one of which clearly got the blood in my heart pumping. I had a rough night then and I'm still recovering. I haven't stopped thinking about her and it makes me want to scream every time I think about it. I know the Lord is faithful and He takes care of His children, but sometimes it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel...

College 1

It's weird to think that today marks so many things in life- second day of college, first day of tues/thurs classes if you want to look at it that way, first day of fall, no more summer, a new season in life, a reminder of just how faithful the Lord can be in terrible situation, the remembrance and celebration of a life that glorified the Lord, and I could go on but I won't ha. I don't know. It's hard to think that I'm a college student now. It's been 5 weeks and it still seems surreal. Some things are the same- I still struggle with the same things, I still remember the memories both good and bad, I still see some of the same people. But A LOT of things are different- there are massive amounts of people everywhere, we all eat together, we all study together, I live with someone-WEIRD, and most different-campus ministry!

Two and half weeks ago I got dunked, submerged, immersed, baptized in just regular ol water haha but the funny thing is, it didn't feel like regular water. It was magic water! Ta dah! Ok, not really but really. There was just something about that moment, that day that just set the standard. People know. People see. And people can now hold me accountable. It's an incredible concept that I can't imagine why I went so long without experiencing. I'm so thankful that God prompted me to take that step of faith and I'm excited to see where it takes me.

A roommate- it's a funny concept really. Think about it for a second...two people, sometimes three, in a tinty room, in 2 tinty beds, with 2 dressers, 2 desks, 2 chairs, 2 closets, a futon, a bookshelf, a micro fridge, and sink. WOAH! THINK BIG! I've never lived in such close quarters with someone. It's very different but it's so good for me. At first, I thought we were the same and she still thinks we are...but we're not...at all really. We believe things so differently. I've never been more challenged in my faith than now. We've fought, laughed and never cried haha, do you know me? Yeah, no. But like, spiritual warfare at its finest is how my mom described it and I'm kinda taking joy in it right now because I'm learning so much.

Campus ministry- there's so much of it but it's hidden...sometimes I feel like I'm in China and people are trying to be all secretive as if not to step on toes or something. Stop it! Get out of your little bubble and do something. Invite your hall mates to an event dangit! This is the time of our lives and we better make a difference for eternity. This is it! We don't get another chance unless of course you're taking a senior victory lap like I am ha. But no really, I'm getting a little tired of the "I don't believe in evangelism" or "that's not my calling" excuse. Ok, that's my rant for the month. Other than that, the worship music is really awesome and the people are really sweet.

This is college and there's not a lot to it. You go to class, study and eat if you have time. The freshman 15 isn't that scary. Just don't be an idiot and you won't gain weight-be smart about it. Oh and the greek is fun! Last minute tip I literally spent 30 minutes explaining to non-Texans, YOU DON'T HAVE TO DRINK AT A PARTY!

GO FROGS!!!