damnit

I hurt people without even realizing it. I listen to the lies. Is it even worth it? I don't know. And all that comes to mind is Luke. Luke 15...

friendship

I've been thinking about this for a long time-it just keeps coming up. It's something that is very near and dear to my heart actually. I love people, a lot. People are my passion. I love talking to them, and walking with them, and helping them, and playing with them, and laughing with them, and eating with them, and causing raucous with them-I just love it all-the good AND the bad! But, I've been pondering what a "true friend" is persay...I've been told a many of fallacies concerning what a true friend is and bah! it's all nonsense hence "fallacy" ha. So here's what I've come up with from my own personal observations and research. A friendship is not here one day and gone tomorrow. It's definately NOT one-sided.

As iron sharpens iron, so a man sharpens the countenance of his friend." Proverbs 27:17

Ok, so mostly everyone and their mom's dog knows this one, but it's legit man! Iron sharpens iron, it works together or else one comes out dull, yes? Same thing here! One feeds, another is fed. Another feeds, one is fed otherwise one will be left behind or underdeveloped persay. There is no superior and inferior beings in friendships. That's poppycock. We're to be equally yoked, I believe it. That may be taken out of context but I don't care, if it's that type of legit "true" friendship, that's how it should unfold. And when it comes to forgivenss in friendships, I've been thinking about that too, there are two types- the given and the asked for. You know what I'm talking about. True friends will always forgive, no matter what, legit. Therefore, there's technically no need to apologize if you have legitimately wronged them. And then the asked for, my heart tugs at this because it seems to come up more often then needed unfortunately. This is what occurs because the love for that friend is so much we want them to know that things need to be made right. Forgiveness on both sides kind of. I know that's kinda fuzzy but it makes sense in my head.

A wise man once said "a Christian cannot be a loner" and that is so true. Run and hide, keep secrets, refuse to let people in, remain unimportant to all-I've been there, but remember

Two people are better than one, because they can reap more benefit from their labor. For if they fall, one will help his companion up, but pity the person who falls down and has no one to help him up. Ecclesiastes 4:9,10

The helping hand will always be here. I experienced true friendship in Summer 2008 and that has yet to fail. I desire for others to experience true friendship from Jesus Christ first as I did and then allow it to reign free through them and pour into others lives. I don't understand all my friendships whatsoever and I NEVER will apparently but all I know is that there is a lack of friends in the world.

My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command. John 15:12-14

I don't know

Sometimes I just want to punch things...

As a senior in high school, there are about a bagillion choices to be made-where to go to college, who to room with, what to do on the weekends, whether or not to have a doodah, and the list goes on. But tonight, I made a teenty decision...BUT it still counts. I decided that I could never be a youth preacher, pastor or minister. I think that covers everything. It takes a very special person to be one. You have to be emotionally, physically and spiritually strong most of the time. Not all the time though because it's kind of necessary to let the Lord's strength shine through your weaknesses, that's biblical hello. But there are SO MANY KIDS! It would require so much trust in the Lord to take care of ALL of them ALL the time. I would try to be Jesus to each and every one of them. And I don't do sporadic closeness, and let's be real here, it's just not possible to be close to every kid unless you're involved in a youth group of 7 or 8 maybe. And us teenagers are so darn frustrating and stupid sometimes, I don't think I could handle it. I can just see it on the news now "Breaking News: Pastor indicted for strangling teenagers neck." I highly admire and respect youth pastors and such; it's just not for me. I wasn't ever planning on being one haha but that's one thing ruled out amongst the many decisions to be made in the next 4 months or so.

weepy day

We sit and we wait, we wait for that phone call. This phone call will determine what happens over the next year and maybe the next 5 years. It's crazy to think that the judgement of one person will determine where she will end up, what she will do, and in her eyes "if she is worse than the others".

I know how I feel right now just waiting, but I can't imagine how she's feeling right now. I just want to hold her and tell her that it's gonna be ok. I feel like a creeper a lot of the time. I think about her, what she's doing and if she's safe. I looked over at her today and just thought "What if things were different? What if they truly loved her? Selfishly, what if she were mine?"

We talked for awhile today-about life, school, home and the mall haha that girl is in love with the mall. I cannot imagine being 13 and scared out of my mind, not having any legit sense of security. And I wonder, if no one had ever told me what was right and wrong, I wouldn't know either. NO ONE has ever told her how to act! What the heck?! You send this girl who's been abused and neglected into life without any guidance, what do you expect? We were sitting in big church today and tears swelled up in my eyes because I realized that I was turning 18 soon and gonna graduate eventually. My dream for the past 3 years or so was shattered. But then, I started thinking...I might leave for college. What will happen? I don't trust any human being with her well being. There has yet to be someone to treat her as she should be treated, as a beautiful precious gift from the Lord. I don't know, I'm all scatterbrained. I trust that God will take care of her, He has thus far but I don't want to leave her. That's not my style. I don't do that. Maybe there's hope for when I turn 21, or maybe the good Lord will send her a loving family that will take her and show her God's love like no one has before. God, You know what she needs and You've been with her through everything with her since the day she was born and thus far. I pray that you watch over Your precious daughter and show her that You're not going anywhere and You want her to do well. Give her a huge hug, Abba. She needs it! Love her so much and I trust You, Amen.

The Puzzle Maker and Putter Together

Broken and on your face is the best place to be. All you can do is look up and allow Him to put the pieces back together.


To be continued...

Finally

I've been home for 4 days now and I've had PLENTY of time to process some stuff if not everything from a few weeks ago. So let's unload some of this mental process and see what we got...every teenager wants to be out of the house and on their own right? Ok maybe not every, but most have gone through that stage. I'd venture to say that very few have actually tasted that reality for any length of time. But those that have know just how terrifying and not freeing it can be. When you feel like you have to leave and you don't know what to do. You've got 100 bucks in the bank, a tank of gas and a bag of clothes for the week, where would you go? When what once was your only sense of security has crumbled into pieces, what do you do? People I thought would show up didn't, but that was my fault. People I didn't expect to show up did, and it was incredibly welcoming and comforting. I was given an oversized couch to sleep on, a few meals over the course of my stay and even a key to make me feel right at home. How did it all come about? Let's take it day by day.
First day, I had to say goodbye to 2 people, go to the doctor by myself for the first time ever and figure out where I was to reside for the next week. May seem easy? Not so much. I was a wreck and it took everything in me to just continue with the days activities. Day 2, I got detention for being late that was nice and of course I hadn't done any of my homework due to the last two days events. School wasn't too bad though, it never is. But then immediately after, my sweet sweet grandpa called and took me to lunch. I was still weepy but he understood and we small talked and then he bought me peach cobbler, a favorite. Love him! More stress was to come because then I had to go register for class by myself which had never happened before and it took like 2 hours. But then I went "home" and Patrick had made a delicious dinner and the three of us watched tv until I fell asleep. Day 3, was really chill until I got "home" and got that phone call. Oh that phone call I will never forgot. Let's just say it did not end well and I stayed with my brother. Day 4 was the same until 6 when I got another phone call requesting that I come home home. Not a lot of talk came of it, but much anxiety arose. I prolonged it as much as possible and didn't get there until like 10 or so.
It was quiet for a day or so until we all talked about everything. That was not pretty but a necessary process when a conflict occurs. It was a scary process and not a lot came of it, but at least I got to talk and it appeared that I was heard. Many would think that I was just another rebellious teenager, but the amount of abandonment I felt that first day doesn't compare. This all brought a lot of things into perspective for me such as who my family is, what they mean to me, and it also taught me that I'm stronger and weaker than I thought I was. Would I take it back? Not for anything. Did I learn a lot? A hell of a lot more than I knew before.
So then I processed how God worked in this whole situation?
-He provided me a mode of transportation
-He provided me with meals
-He placed Patrick and Whitney together awhile ago and that gave me a place to stay
-He provided me with strength when I did not want to go
-He comforted me when I was broken
-He put the pieces back together
-He mended those relationships
-He made me feel loved when I didn't see it
-He showed me which step to take next
-He never left!