Hi, my name is Morgan and I am a heart hoarder.

Here it is. My logical mess. It's like the hoarder who knows where everything is. What she doesn't what removed, what she doesn't want revealed and what she does want healed. Welcome to my mess of a heart/brain.

After a day like today, I cant help but wonder...why? I woke up thinking it was just going to be a normal day, ha I'm beginning to think that such a day does not exist. Come 10 o'clock and someone whom is thought to be one of the toughest guys around sat and bawled his eyes out to me. He was broken right before my eyes and all he kept saying was "I don't know what to do Morgan...I don't know what to do." It was not a sight that anyone wants to witness considering the circumstances. I just wanted to make all the hurt and pain go away, but that not my job. It's like that game on the iPhone-the one where you have your own island and people and you can do whatever you want with them. If you don't like where they are, you just touch, drag and drop. It's that simple...in a fantasy game. But what about reality? What about when everything comes crashing down? Who's the master of iWorld? In his eyes, the master had turned on him and that broke my heart to hear. But anyway, we finished talking and both went about our days with tears in our eyes.

I was dreading 6th period today...but only because of 6th period yesterday. What are the odds that the entire class decides to debate the fact of whether or not I do drugs and sleep around right in front of me on 4/20? Dumb. There was only 1 person who claimed I didn't. What does that say about the impact I'm leaving on my friends at school? They may have been joking around but I know for a fact that 4 of the people in that class will swear on it that I'm a "partier". What does that even mean? They don't know me and I'm obviously not drenched enough in Christ or they would know where I stand. But 6th period today wasn't so bad, we got popsickles :-).

Then, I came home to take a nap and rest. I was exhausted. Haha that didn't work out too well, you know when you're sleeping and you suddenly think it's later than it actually is so you wake up in a panic attack? Yeah, that happened like 4 times. Oh well. But while I was napping, I got about a bagillion texts and I began to get concerned. Turns out it's happened again. This stupid sin has now invaded my school, my family, and now my dgroup. It's one thing that takes my knees out everytime and I don't know why. It appears to be something that I can't handle. But, I refuse to let it ruin my life because Jesus conquered the grave!

I left my house around 6 to go babysit some little munchkins and a 7 week old chocolate lab. All was well until the puppy decided it was time to attack lil 18 month old Maggie and me. She cried and I disciplined the dog while trying to consoling her meanwhile getting told by a 4 year old. Haha Bay is a little less fearful of a dog's terrifying chompers. Needless to say, we had baths and bedtime shortly after that. The parents were over an hour late and I was terrified. The conversations I had while babysitting were very interesting and not at all what was expected-but many realizations came of it. Also while I was waiting, I got a phonecall and again-that stupid sin! I was done for the night at that point. It was 10 o'clock and I was not about to cry in a foreign house. They got home shortly and left promptly. It was a strange ride home; it seemed to go faster than normal.

And now, I sit in my bed trying to make sense of the day's events. It would make sense to just crash and sleep, but I'm not really feeling it. All I want to do is talk to my God. I feel like Paul sometimes, when he's talking to the Philippians about his struggle with wanting Jesus to come back. I so real bad want Him to come back so we can party and I can be with Him for eternity finally but at the same time, there are so many who do not know Him and are not walking straight with Him. It's a constant battle in this logical mess of a heart. This morning I heard "Trust Me" and tonight it's Psalm 24:3.

You were there in the struggle, You were there in the fire, You were there all the time.

Sometimes too

I just want to cry...and nowadays anything is possible. Lord, I'm not ready for tomorrow but only by your strength alone will I be able to wake up and go about the day.

damnit

I hurt people without even realizing it. I listen to the lies. Is it even worth it? I don't know. And all that comes to mind is Luke. Luke 15...

friendship

I've been thinking about this for a long time-it just keeps coming up. It's something that is very near and dear to my heart actually. I love people, a lot. People are my passion. I love talking to them, and walking with them, and helping them, and playing with them, and laughing with them, and eating with them, and causing raucous with them-I just love it all-the good AND the bad! But, I've been pondering what a "true friend" is persay...I've been told a many of fallacies concerning what a true friend is and bah! it's all nonsense hence "fallacy" ha. So here's what I've come up with from my own personal observations and research. A friendship is not here one day and gone tomorrow. It's definately NOT one-sided.

As iron sharpens iron, so a man sharpens the countenance of his friend." Proverbs 27:17

Ok, so mostly everyone and their mom's dog knows this one, but it's legit man! Iron sharpens iron, it works together or else one comes out dull, yes? Same thing here! One feeds, another is fed. Another feeds, one is fed otherwise one will be left behind or underdeveloped persay. There is no superior and inferior beings in friendships. That's poppycock. We're to be equally yoked, I believe it. That may be taken out of context but I don't care, if it's that type of legit "true" friendship, that's how it should unfold. And when it comes to forgivenss in friendships, I've been thinking about that too, there are two types- the given and the asked for. You know what I'm talking about. True friends will always forgive, no matter what, legit. Therefore, there's technically no need to apologize if you have legitimately wronged them. And then the asked for, my heart tugs at this because it seems to come up more often then needed unfortunately. This is what occurs because the love for that friend is so much we want them to know that things need to be made right. Forgiveness on both sides kind of. I know that's kinda fuzzy but it makes sense in my head.

A wise man once said "a Christian cannot be a loner" and that is so true. Run and hide, keep secrets, refuse to let people in, remain unimportant to all-I've been there, but remember

Two people are better than one, because they can reap more benefit from their labor. For if they fall, one will help his companion up, but pity the person who falls down and has no one to help him up. Ecclesiastes 4:9,10

The helping hand will always be here. I experienced true friendship in Summer 2008 and that has yet to fail. I desire for others to experience true friendship from Jesus Christ first as I did and then allow it to reign free through them and pour into others lives. I don't understand all my friendships whatsoever and I NEVER will apparently but all I know is that there is a lack of friends in the world.

My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command. John 15:12-14

I don't know

Sometimes I just want to punch things...

As a senior in high school, there are about a bagillion choices to be made-where to go to college, who to room with, what to do on the weekends, whether or not to have a doodah, and the list goes on. But tonight, I made a teenty decision...BUT it still counts. I decided that I could never be a youth preacher, pastor or minister. I think that covers everything. It takes a very special person to be one. You have to be emotionally, physically and spiritually strong most of the time. Not all the time though because it's kind of necessary to let the Lord's strength shine through your weaknesses, that's biblical hello. But there are SO MANY KIDS! It would require so much trust in the Lord to take care of ALL of them ALL the time. I would try to be Jesus to each and every one of them. And I don't do sporadic closeness, and let's be real here, it's just not possible to be close to every kid unless you're involved in a youth group of 7 or 8 maybe. And us teenagers are so darn frustrating and stupid sometimes, I don't think I could handle it. I can just see it on the news now "Breaking News: Pastor indicted for strangling teenagers neck." I highly admire and respect youth pastors and such; it's just not for me. I wasn't ever planning on being one haha but that's one thing ruled out amongst the many decisions to be made in the next 4 months or so.

weepy day

We sit and we wait, we wait for that phone call. This phone call will determine what happens over the next year and maybe the next 5 years. It's crazy to think that the judgement of one person will determine where she will end up, what she will do, and in her eyes "if she is worse than the others".

I know how I feel right now just waiting, but I can't imagine how she's feeling right now. I just want to hold her and tell her that it's gonna be ok. I feel like a creeper a lot of the time. I think about her, what she's doing and if she's safe. I looked over at her today and just thought "What if things were different? What if they truly loved her? Selfishly, what if she were mine?"

We talked for awhile today-about life, school, home and the mall haha that girl is in love with the mall. I cannot imagine being 13 and scared out of my mind, not having any legit sense of security. And I wonder, if no one had ever told me what was right and wrong, I wouldn't know either. NO ONE has ever told her how to act! What the heck?! You send this girl who's been abused and neglected into life without any guidance, what do you expect? We were sitting in big church today and tears swelled up in my eyes because I realized that I was turning 18 soon and gonna graduate eventually. My dream for the past 3 years or so was shattered. But then, I started thinking...I might leave for college. What will happen? I don't trust any human being with her well being. There has yet to be someone to treat her as she should be treated, as a beautiful precious gift from the Lord. I don't know, I'm all scatterbrained. I trust that God will take care of her, He has thus far but I don't want to leave her. That's not my style. I don't do that. Maybe there's hope for when I turn 21, or maybe the good Lord will send her a loving family that will take her and show her God's love like no one has before. God, You know what she needs and You've been with her through everything with her since the day she was born and thus far. I pray that you watch over Your precious daughter and show her that You're not going anywhere and You want her to do well. Give her a huge hug, Abba. She needs it! Love her so much and I trust You, Amen.