He knows your name...

We talked about a lot tonight, a lot of good stuff that could honor the name of the Lord in so many ways but we never seemed to get to actual action points it seemed like. Was our talk pointless? Was tonight worthless? What good came of it? It wasn't pointless or worthless. Some people needed to get some stuff off their chests and that was progress for them and I'm so proud of the vulnerability; now take it to the next step. Some really intense topics were brought up and discussed and new ideas blossomed; now we take it to the next step. Some baby arguments arose which is healthy but didn't really go anywhere; calm little grasshopper, don't let your anger and bitterness steer you away from the path of righteousness. I don't know, I really enjoyed tonight. I feel like God challenged the mess out of me just today alone and I took a lot away from tonight. These last couple days have been really rough in general, no questions asked, and I needed to be challenged like this today God, thank you. Sometimes situations in life knock us off our keister for whatever reason and instead of getting up, we sit there and get mad at the thing that knocked us over. I didn't know how not to be mad, no questions asked, but this song has really helped bring it home, ya know? That is where I'm at right now with everything.

Really?

If I wanted to talk about it, I would and I don't! If you didn't act that way, that would save the majority of us a lot of trouble. If you remembered who you are and where you come from, you'd be a lot happier. If I wasn't so selfish, I'd love you better. If I knew how to love you well, I would drop everything. If you realized your potential, you would surpass so many. If you didn't scare the heck out of me, maybe I wouldn't be on all these medicines. If I quit taking my medicine, no one would ever see me. If you truly understood the ramifications of your actions, I would hope that things would change. If we realized how far our words really went, we would change the way we talked. If trusting people wasn't so hard, we'd be bestfriends. If you didn't lie, it wouldn't hurt. If you loved me, I would respond differently. If we were on the same page, there wouldn't be so much chaos. If I were able to change circumstances, I would in a heartbeat. If it were possible, you'd be mine about 9 years ago. If I were able to cry, it would be a disaster. If feelings were nonexistent, we'd all be screwed. If I understood your love for me, I'd stand with arms high and heart abandoned.

the inner ache is too much to bear

Here I am

One more day of not
Loving Him the way He asks
In fact my heart is singing praises to the things
that make me feel alright

So I’m sinking fast like a stone heart should
And on the way down
I’ve done what I could
To try and try to turn this stone to flesh

I’m haunted by my God
Who has the right to ask me
What by the nature of my rebellion
I cannot give.

So I beg for you to move
I beg for you to move
I beg for you to break through

So here I am
Got my deeds for the day
All my cute little words about
How I am saved
Am I saved?

Could I love you with my mouth like a church kid should
At the end of the day
My words get burned as wood
Oh, but I was good.

I’m haunted by my God
Who has the right to ask me
What by the nature of my rebellion
I cannot give.

These songs are noise
In your ears
A clanging drum
You want my love

So many unforgettable dates

Some things in life hurt...bad. And that hurt never seems to go fully away. There's the cliche phrase that "time heals everything" well that's a lie and I'm living proof. Time may help me learn to deal with things a little better but it will never completely heal my heart. That's God's job. But unfortunately I will still have those stupid scars to remind me of the wounds that were once there. At the same time those scars are important; they're what make up our story and God planned them that way. It's just crazy because these wounds and scars hurt so stinkin bad sometimes that I don't know what to do with them and nothing seems to make them better but I have to remember Romans 8:28 in those times. God heal my heart. Make it whole.

Speechless

I couldn't speak. It seemed like for the first time in my life, I had nothing to say to someone. I'm not sure whether it was anger, shock or what but that's what happened. I just sat there, silent. It felt awful until I just began to cry out to the Lord. I felt better. I knew it would all be ok. And ever since that day, I just imagine the Lord singing to her

Isn't she lovely

Isn't she wonderful

Isn't she precious

Less than one minute old

I never thought through love we'd be

Making one as lovely as she

But isn't she lovely made from love

Isn't she pretty

Truly the angel's best

Boy, I'm so happy

We have been heaven blessed

I can't believe what God has done

It's crazy how in hellish situations, God never ceases to show up and do amazing things. He always protects His children.

Hi, my name is Morgan and I am a heart hoarder.

Here it is. My logical mess. It's like the hoarder who knows where everything is. What she doesn't what removed, what she doesn't want revealed and what she does want healed. Welcome to my mess of a heart/brain.

After a day like today, I cant help but wonder...why? I woke up thinking it was just going to be a normal day, ha I'm beginning to think that such a day does not exist. Come 10 o'clock and someone whom is thought to be one of the toughest guys around sat and bawled his eyes out to me. He was broken right before my eyes and all he kept saying was "I don't know what to do Morgan...I don't know what to do." It was not a sight that anyone wants to witness considering the circumstances. I just wanted to make all the hurt and pain go away, but that not my job. It's like that game on the iPhone-the one where you have your own island and people and you can do whatever you want with them. If you don't like where they are, you just touch, drag and drop. It's that simple...in a fantasy game. But what about reality? What about when everything comes crashing down? Who's the master of iWorld? In his eyes, the master had turned on him and that broke my heart to hear. But anyway, we finished talking and both went about our days with tears in our eyes.

I was dreading 6th period today...but only because of 6th period yesterday. What are the odds that the entire class decides to debate the fact of whether or not I do drugs and sleep around right in front of me on 4/20? Dumb. There was only 1 person who claimed I didn't. What does that say about the impact I'm leaving on my friends at school? They may have been joking around but I know for a fact that 4 of the people in that class will swear on it that I'm a "partier". What does that even mean? They don't know me and I'm obviously not drenched enough in Christ or they would know where I stand. But 6th period today wasn't so bad, we got popsickles :-).

Then, I came home to take a nap and rest. I was exhausted. Haha that didn't work out too well, you know when you're sleeping and you suddenly think it's later than it actually is so you wake up in a panic attack? Yeah, that happened like 4 times. Oh well. But while I was napping, I got about a bagillion texts and I began to get concerned. Turns out it's happened again. This stupid sin has now invaded my school, my family, and now my dgroup. It's one thing that takes my knees out everytime and I don't know why. It appears to be something that I can't handle. But, I refuse to let it ruin my life because Jesus conquered the grave!

I left my house around 6 to go babysit some little munchkins and a 7 week old chocolate lab. All was well until the puppy decided it was time to attack lil 18 month old Maggie and me. She cried and I disciplined the dog while trying to consoling her meanwhile getting told by a 4 year old. Haha Bay is a little less fearful of a dog's terrifying chompers. Needless to say, we had baths and bedtime shortly after that. The parents were over an hour late and I was terrified. The conversations I had while babysitting were very interesting and not at all what was expected-but many realizations came of it. Also while I was waiting, I got a phonecall and again-that stupid sin! I was done for the night at that point. It was 10 o'clock and I was not about to cry in a foreign house. They got home shortly and left promptly. It was a strange ride home; it seemed to go faster than normal.

And now, I sit in my bed trying to make sense of the day's events. It would make sense to just crash and sleep, but I'm not really feeling it. All I want to do is talk to my God. I feel like Paul sometimes, when he's talking to the Philippians about his struggle with wanting Jesus to come back. I so real bad want Him to come back so we can party and I can be with Him for eternity finally but at the same time, there are so many who do not know Him and are not walking straight with Him. It's a constant battle in this logical mess of a heart. This morning I heard "Trust Me" and tonight it's Psalm 24:3.

You were there in the struggle, You were there in the fire, You were there all the time.

Sometimes too

I just want to cry...and nowadays anything is possible. Lord, I'm not ready for tomorrow but only by your strength alone will I be able to wake up and go about the day.