just past the mark

i had just passed the 3-month mark. I had done so well. I had done so well. But what did I do? I screwed up...again. I chose to block things out and not deal with them the way I should. I made the choice and it's no one's fault but my own. I hurt so many people along the way and broke so many trust bonds. I can't believe it. I saw it before it happened but I couldn't stop it. I felt defeated before it had happened. I let satan win. I let him reign victorious. Damnit he screwed it all up. How could I let his happen again? How could I risk everything like that? I can't believe I went there. Here's where I am right now..."I can anticipate the response that is coming: "I know that all God's commands are spiritual, but I'm not. Isn't this also your experience?" Yes. I'm full of myself—after all, I've spent a long time in sin's prison. What I don't understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can't be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God's command is necessary. But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can't keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it. I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time. It happens so regularly that it's predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God's commands, but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge. I've tried everything and nothing helps. I'm at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn't that the real question? The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different."

bad timing

I knew it was coming but I didn't think it would be this soon and now it's happening and I don't know what to do. It's at the most inconvenient time and I can't handle this right now. God, you know what I need right now.

just one of those days

Here I am Lord and I'm drowning in your sea of forgetfulness. The chains of yesterday surround me. I yearn for peace and rest. I don't want to end up where you found me and it echoes in my mind...keeps me awake tonight. I know you've cast my sins as far as the east is from the west and I stand before you now as though I've never sinned, but today I feel like I'm just one mistake away...from you leaving me this way. Jesus can you show me just how far the east is from the west because I can't bear to see the man I've been come rising up in me again. In the arms of your mercy I find rest. I start the day the war begins endless reminding of my sin time and time again...Your truth is drowned out by the storm I'm in...I know you've washed me white: turned my darkness into light. I need your peace to get me through: to get me through this night. I can't live by what I feel but by the truth your word reveals I'm not holding on to you but you're holding on to me...you're holding on to me...from one scarred hand to the other.

good end to great times

And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.
-Romans 8:28

dreams

I dream so much. Both good and bad and all the time! Most of the time it gets in the way. It brings tears of both happiness and sadness. It brings back memories from the past whether it be a nightmare or a glorious time. It keeps me up all night sometimes. It eats at my insides and tears at my heart. It maximizes my potential and pushes my strength to the edge. It somehow forces me to want to be all that I can be. I dream.

repetition

Everytime God's trying to teach me something big or get my attention about something, it always comes in repetition. Does that make sense? Like when I was struggling finding peace. John 14:27 literally came up in every sermon for like 3 weeks and then came up at random other times. Repetition. And when I was struggling to open up to people, if a dear friend from Colorado loving on me wasn't enough, He decided that our Sunday morning AND wednesday night studies would be based off community and such! Repetition. And then this...3 months ago a dear friend of mine told me how bad she was once hurt by someone and it broke my heart. I witnessed her struggle through that and in the end forgive the guy who in my life, I've still yet to forgive. Now, just this week, another dear friend of mine went through the same thing but on a much more intense and hurtful level to the point where she is now heavily medicated because of it. I'm now witnessing her struggle through this. And I wish that I could just tell her what to do and that would make it all better, but it doesn't work that way! Just now, i've come to the realization of just how deep this pain goes. It hurts. It scares. It scars. It ruins. But JESUS SAVES! That's all that comes to mind when i have terrible nightmares about it or when it seems to cross my mind every single day. JESUS SAVES!

it happens

3 hours. Just sitting there on your bed while you talked about happiness and feeling connected to yourself and such.
"It was so perfect Morgan. It was different this time. I felt so connected with myself, like it felt real."

"Are you gonna keep doing it on a regular basis?"

"Eh I don't know. I know I shouldn't but I like it. No, I'm not going to. I hate this feeling of not knowing if I'm gonna get caught or not. But then again I really don't care anymore. I want to do what I want to do."

Ugh!!! Why? You went from constanly being baked to being completely clean for almost 2 years and now you've thrown it away and you don't even care...you looked so hollow...I waited until you fell asleep and then slowly left. I got in my car and drove. I just drove. For almost an hour crying and talking to Jesus and wondering if people hurt this bad when I made poor decisions. This shook me up real bad and finally at about 930, Jesus reminded me that He still forgive and loves me despite everything I've done and I should do the same. So as much as hurts me to see you this way, I forgive you and love you all the more!

Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. Colossians 3:13
 
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word has no place in our lives. 1 John 1:9-10

an angry 4 year old

Our relationship started when you were just 4 years old and I was 9. The first time I met you, I knew we would be friends and I loved you like my sister. Same with your brother who was 6 at the time. In the short amount of time y'all had been alive, y'all had already experienced more in your life than any family should ever have to experience in their entire lives. Abuse. Drugs. Multiple "dads". Biological parents in jail. Total instability. You were angry, very angry. And why shouldn't you be? Having been so screwed over so early in life by those who were supposed to love you, dangit you should be angry. I don't blame you whatsoever. You didn't know any better. When I would babysit, everynight you would just cry and cry for your mom who was in jail at the time, but it didn't matter to you what she had done. You loved her despite and that was true love! And to this day, you still love your mom the same and I highly admire that about you. At the time, I was living in a different city so I was only able to spend time with you during the summers but I took advantage of that time when I could. Fast forward 4 years and I'm here in the same city, babysitting and hanging out with you and your brother on a regular basis. People and doctors stereotype you as a "problem" or "disturbed" child but you know what I see, a child who just needs someone to love her just as she is with no strings attached. I can do that! Jesus calls me to it! I took a summer job where I would get to hang with you everyday and I was given the opportunity to be your dgroup dealer. So now we're 12 and 17 and getting to grow in the Lord together! I love it! I've watched you grow up and you are absolutely beautiful inside and out. You put on this tough front as not to get hurt and it's expected, but I see past it. I know you and I love you for you and nothing else. Just found out this week that you're going to go live in a home for "disturbed" children. You are the youngest girl in your house and you will be going to a brand new school. I want to be selfish and not let you go but I know it's best for you because you will be out of your current situation and into a healthier environment. You will get a break for once in your life. A chance to start new. But I'm not going anywhere. I will be there when you need me. I will come visit you and bring you frozen yogurt. And we will talk together, laugh together, cry together and continue to be there for eachother. I love you and I'm not leaving you. The hardest part about this entire thing is the fact that I just can't have you right now. That I'm not old enough to adopt you. That I constantly feel held back while trying to love you. I want you! All these other people that could have loved you didn't, but I want you and I want to love you to the best of my ability just as Christ loved me. For some reason, I was born 17 years ago and I'm not supposed to have you yet, but I know that if it's the Lord's will it will happen someday. Everything happens for a reason and by His perfect timing. He loves you and so do I and one day we will all be joined together.

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. Ecclesiastes 3:11