you're a mean girl cady heron!

"For the righteous will never be moved; he will be remembered forever. He is not afraid of bad news; his heart is firm, trusting in the Lord. His heart is steady; he will not be afraid, until he looks in triumph on his adversaries." Psalms 112:6-8

    There it is. Truth. So how do people think I'm living? How am I really living? I'm an unrighteous pansy to say the least. Even last night when sirens were going off all night, I lie awake,frozen by fear in my bed when I should've gone and gotten my parents. I'm terrified of driving but yet I won't let other people drive? I make sure to say "I love you" to those that I care about just in case something happens to them because I'm so scared that something will happen to them. I'm terrified of bad news. But it's weird because I try and do everything I can to avoid bad things happening (which never works by the way), and yet somehow it's all ok in the midst of the bad things. I'm able to trust the Lord then. But why not before? My heart is not steady. I am afraid. 

    Why am I such a scaredy cat nowadays? I used to be so tough. I used to have thick skin and would be the first one to confront the night. But now, I'm the first one asleep because I hate it and I don't go out much after dark. It seems like I'm afraid of everything now. What changed? And what's with all the change? I don't like change, AT ALL. I mean I know it's necessary and all but it's not always fun haha. 

    Now, how do I get to a point where I have a steady heart? I'm in multiple leadership positions and I have an unsteady heart; NOT OK! But, the Lord is in control and He will finish this part of me to completion. I know He will. That's one of His promises and I love that one! So do I just sit back and wait for Him to fix this? Surely not. There's got to be action steps that I can take towards being a righteous woman and having a steady heart. 

    Step One: Memorizing Psalms 111

    Step Two: Talking with my accountability partner everyday

    Step Three: Reminding myself of God's promise on sticky-notes :-)

Lord, you've got this one in the bag and I have nothing to worry about-

"I am the Alpha and the Omega," says the Lord God, "who is, and who was, and who is to come, the Almighty." Revelation 1:8

another part

you're so different than you used to be. what changed? did i change? did you change? Nah, i just moved on and i don't really need you anymore. sorry to be blunt, but you kinda screwed me over. it's kinda like the kid who begs and begs for the animal cracker but once he gets it, it's still not what he wanted. you were the reason for so much hurt and even now some. you're always there. i can't get one without the other and that's a little much. you can only say so little things that even those have lost meaning. you know my secrets and my pains but i wish it weren't so. you don't deserve to have that. i think that's what gets at me the most. very few people have been that close and it was not preserved, it was not treasured. it was abused, it was neglected, it was thrown away. there's no need to dwell on it though, tis in the past right? it's time to put it all behind and move on...without you. and there's nothing wrong with that. people come in and out of lives each and every day. i firmly believe that we weren't meant to be friends with everyone forever. 

let's lay it on the line

Dear blank,
I got a lot of things on my mind, which is probably the reason that I woke myself up talking last night and then didn't fall asleep for almost 2 hours.

First things first. People who have problems can't help people who have problems. Layman's terms:

Problems + Problems =More Problems

We all have our issues and we can't fix everyone else's issues. That's God's job. If we're so caught up in another person that we can't seem to function without them, that's another problem. I think the main idea here, is that there is a problem and people are refusing to address it. Pretty soon, it's gonna get messy but all we can do is wait for it to unfold and watch the Lord pick up the pieces.

Secondly, I'm about sick and tired of everyone being grumpy EVERY single day and claiming they "had a bad day." Get over it! You have the Lord, stop living by your emotions and accept the truth-"the joy of the Lord is your strength." Do you know who has had more than one bad day and they can still find joy amongst the chaos? The Hansens...I have never witnessed something so beautiful. I was at their house maybe 3-4 days after Nick died and there was joy. Not that there weren't tears and that it wasn't heart breaking, but we had community and reminisced about all the great times that had been had. And about that, do you know what's ridiculous? Posers/Fakes. All these people claiming that they were Nick's "best friend" and thinking that it's ok. I know it hurts losing someone in the community-he's not the first one. But it's not ok, because his actual best friend doesn't even feel like he can go to the special events that people set up because there are a swarm of people who feel entitled to be there because they were his "best friend" and who demand attention. If you're his best friend, did he ask you to be his best man less than a week before the crash? I don't think so! I may be a little blunt here but I'm tired of seeing grown men break down and get hurt by people who don't even realize the harm that they're causing. I may not be in the youth group every week but I know what goes on unfortunately. It's weird to think that I'm gone yet still involved but in a sense, I'm thankful because I know what to be praying for. MMBC is a special place and it's doing great things for those of us who will get out of our own heads.

Thirdly, your actions don't just affect you but they affect everyone around you. Sin is a fast-spreading disease and it's hurtful.

Lastly, I can't wait to go to Heaven! I have so many questions and I get so excited when I think about that moment. I'm not scared of dying-there's no reason to be if the moment I take that last breath, I'm swept away by my one true love. It almost brings me to tears to think about it. But at the same time, I always wonder when? When will God finish me to completion? When will I get to go and spend eternity with my Creator? I don't know but I'm super stoked!

Sincerely,

One strange little mind

mind-boggling

Wow. First semester is almost over and God has been all over it. I feel like I've been on my face before Him so much and He has shown up more than he needed to. I can't even begin to explain how thankful I am. Now, it hasn't always been sunshine and rainbows. In fact, a lot of times it was hard and that's why I had to be on face. The best place is on your knees looking up to the One above. There were countless nights where I was ready to quit and still want to in some areas but I know that the Lord has me right here doing just what I'm doing-hallowed be His name. All I keep singing as I've gotten news today as well as last week is...never once did I ever walk alone, never once did You leave me on my own YOU ARE FAITHFUL, GOD YOU ARE FAITHFUL.

Redeemer

Some days start off really bad. You just feel bad for whatever reason wanting to crawl in a hole and not come out feeling unworthy to even say the name...and then you get the courage to open that book. Hoping for a glimpse of hope somewhere in there, hoping for redemption, hoping for an escape. Looking to James for some encouragement and what comes of it- And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. So what do you do, get up and go. Endure to the next stage trusting that He will complete you and that you are what He wants. That "I am loved regardless of the things I've said and done. No mistake can change Your mind. I'm your design. Your love is mine right now!" Thanks James, for turning my day around and pointing my gaze to the Redeemer.

life gets complicated

where do you want me to go? what do you want me to do? when do you want me to go?

This is gonna hurt, this is gonna hurt like hell
This is gonna damn near kill me, sometimes the truth ain't easy
I know that you’re scared of telling me something
I don’t wanna hear, but baby believe that
I’m not leaving, you couldn’t give me one good reason
Love don’t run, love don’t hide
It won't turn away or back down from a fight
Baby I’m right here and I ain't going anywhere
Love’s too tough it wont give up no not on us
Baby Love don’t run
Let’s lay it on the line, I don’t care if it takes all night.

This is real life. Things hurt. Bad. Sometimes, the inner ache is too much to bear. And I know I'm gonna sound like a stupid teenager here, but people don't get it. People don't get the hurt that keeps me up night after night. People don't understand why I haven't bailed yet. People don't get why I care so much. But you know what, it's not fair. I can't help that I care so much. Sometimes I wish I didn't. It hurts so much sometimes. It doesn't make sense why I'm not able to adopt yet only because the law says I can't. Do they realize that I'm crazy? That I would literally sacrifice it all-school, money, car, everything. UUUGGGHHH!!! I can't stop thinking about it and it hurts like hell. 

What are you gonna say to God
When all you do is pray to God
To take the thorn away?
And all you hear him say is 

My grace is sufficient

Eh, welcome to life. It's unfair and a pain sometimes but it goes on.

The end...

defeated

this is the second time this week. Y'all are predators! How dare you befriend little 8th graders and corrupt them? Giving them alcohol, telling them what you did and when, trying to condition them to be something they weren't designed to be. NO! You are wrong. Do you even know what you're doing? Ugh I want to call you so bad right now and just tell you the harm that you're doing to this poor child. Do you even know what she's been through? You think you're so bad. I dare you to live 3 days in her shoes not knowing where you're gonna sleep, what you're gonna eat or who you're gonna talk to next. You wouldn't survive, I can promise you that much or you'd be begging to go home. I'm terrified to go to church tomorrow because I know if I see you, I'm going to say something to you and it won't be pretty.

my heart hurts for this girl. I beg the Lord to keep her safe, I beg Him to move in her life, I beg Him to keep her out of jail just until I'm 21 and can adopt her. This life just isn't fair. Once your dealt the hand your dealt, there's nothing you can do. She's been screwed from the beginning and doesn't know how not to fight for everything in life. my heart hurts for this little child. "You're old enough now to be tried as an adult" were words that came out of my mouth as I poured out my heart to her this week. "Are you scared of jail?" was one of the questions and the heart-wrenching reply was "I don't know." But the truth is, she's never known anything else, why would she be? She's just trying to survive and get through each day with some sort of inkling about tomorrow. She was shocked to know a tiny bit about my story but that's all I could give as it took all I had not to burst into tears as she was sharing her life story since she was 8. I cried all the way back to my dorm room, on campus, not caring who saw or what they heard me say on the phone. my heart hurts for her.

This was just kinda the icing to this no good terrible very bad week-2 of my girls being prey to older influences, one of which clearly got the blood in my heart pumping. I had a rough night then and I'm still recovering. I haven't stopped thinking about her and it makes me want to scream every time I think about it. I know the Lord is faithful and He takes care of His children, but sometimes it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel...

College 1

It's weird to think that today marks so many things in life- second day of college, first day of tues/thurs classes if you want to look at it that way, first day of fall, no more summer, a new season in life, a reminder of just how faithful the Lord can be in terrible situation, the remembrance and celebration of a life that glorified the Lord, and I could go on but I won't ha. I don't know. It's hard to think that I'm a college student now. It's been 5 weeks and it still seems surreal. Some things are the same- I still struggle with the same things, I still remember the memories both good and bad, I still see some of the same people. But A LOT of things are different- there are massive amounts of people everywhere, we all eat together, we all study together, I live with someone-WEIRD, and most different-campus ministry!

Two and half weeks ago I got dunked, submerged, immersed, baptized in just regular ol water haha but the funny thing is, it didn't feel like regular water. It was magic water! Ta dah! Ok, not really but really. There was just something about that moment, that day that just set the standard. People know. People see. And people can now hold me accountable. It's an incredible concept that I can't imagine why I went so long without experiencing. I'm so thankful that God prompted me to take that step of faith and I'm excited to see where it takes me.

A roommate- it's a funny concept really. Think about it for a second...two people, sometimes three, in a tinty room, in 2 tinty beds, with 2 dressers, 2 desks, 2 chairs, 2 closets, a futon, a bookshelf, a micro fridge, and sink. WOAH! THINK BIG! I've never lived in such close quarters with someone. It's very different but it's so good for me. At first, I thought we were the same and she still thinks we are...but we're not...at all really. We believe things so differently. I've never been more challenged in my faith than now. We've fought, laughed and never cried haha, do you know me? Yeah, no. But like, spiritual warfare at its finest is how my mom described it and I'm kinda taking joy in it right now because I'm learning so much.

Campus ministry- there's so much of it but it's hidden...sometimes I feel like I'm in China and people are trying to be all secretive as if not to step on toes or something. Stop it! Get out of your little bubble and do something. Invite your hall mates to an event dangit! This is the time of our lives and we better make a difference for eternity. This is it! We don't get another chance unless of course you're taking a senior victory lap like I am ha. But no really, I'm getting a little tired of the "I don't believe in evangelism" or "that's not my calling" excuse. Ok, that's my rant for the month. Other than that, the worship music is really awesome and the people are really sweet.

This is college and there's not a lot to it. You go to class, study and eat if you have time. The freshman 15 isn't that scary. Just don't be an idiot and you won't gain weight-be smart about it. Oh and the greek is fun! Last minute tip I literally spent 30 minutes explaining to non-Texans, YOU DON'T HAVE TO DRINK AT A PARTY!

GO FROGS!!!

unfiltered real talk

This is getting to a point of ridiculousness. If you want to leave so bad, just leave. Stop playing games. Get off my diamond as well as everybody else's and just leave already. You either commit or you don't-this ain't something that you do halfway and it'll be just fine. For awhile I could play, but I'm done playing. I don't have the energy nor do I have the patience to do it anymore; for the first time in your life, I'm gonna need you to just stick to your guns. Your life doesn't just affect you; it affects everyone around you too! I'm not one to bail EVER but this is really hard for me and I don't know why.

Confused. Hurt. Selfish.

how great the father's love for you

Right now, I'm sitting in my dorm room and all I want to do is run and scream and hit things because my heart hurts so bad for you right now. What is going on with you? What happened to flip your switch...again? Why won't you talk it out with me? What turned you away? I mean it makes complete and total sense why you are the way you are but it ticks me off so much because I know it's not your fault. But at some point, you have to make the change. You have to wake up one day and decide that you're not going to live that way anymore. You're not going to punch people in the face; you're not going to cuss them out for no reason; you're going to stay in school. People have chosen to put their lives, jobs and families on the line for you; wake up and change your attitude at least. I want you to do well in life. I want you to succeed. But honestly, what I want doesn't matter. You have to want it. Right now, you don't and that sucks to suck. You're headed down a path that will only lead to jail at the least and death at the worst. It hurts so much to think that one day I might one day be visiting you in jail and attending your funeral and ugh now i'm crying. Why don't you see the potential that we all see in you? You are such a beautiful masterpiece made by the Father? He knit you together before your mama knew it. He knew you were gonna have to go through hell before you were 4. He knew you would get kicked out of so many schools before even high school. He knows you! I am less than a speck in comparison to how much He loves you and I wish you understood that...

Prayers

Prayer is always something I've been a huge believer and supporter of. It's beyond powerful and it literally changed my life overnight. But this week, just the power of prayer has been more evident than it ever has been in my life since the night Jesus changed me. It was like God not only heard my prayers but also responded. And I know the Bible tells us He does that but I rarely take note of the fact. I may not have gotten the exact response I wanted but it was so kool that He did,ya know?! That's just what I've been thinking this week. It's been crazy stressful but so fantastic; I can't even tell you.

He knows your name...

We talked about a lot tonight, a lot of good stuff that could honor the name of the Lord in so many ways but we never seemed to get to actual action points it seemed like. Was our talk pointless? Was tonight worthless? What good came of it? It wasn't pointless or worthless. Some people needed to get some stuff off their chests and that was progress for them and I'm so proud of the vulnerability; now take it to the next step. Some really intense topics were brought up and discussed and new ideas blossomed; now we take it to the next step. Some baby arguments arose which is healthy but didn't really go anywhere; calm little grasshopper, don't let your anger and bitterness steer you away from the path of righteousness. I don't know, I really enjoyed tonight. I feel like God challenged the mess out of me just today alone and I took a lot away from tonight. These last couple days have been really rough in general, no questions asked, and I needed to be challenged like this today God, thank you. Sometimes situations in life knock us off our keister for whatever reason and instead of getting up, we sit there and get mad at the thing that knocked us over. I didn't know how not to be mad, no questions asked, but this song has really helped bring it home, ya know? That is where I'm at right now with everything.

Really?

If I wanted to talk about it, I would and I don't! If you didn't act that way, that would save the majority of us a lot of trouble. If you remembered who you are and where you come from, you'd be a lot happier. If I wasn't so selfish, I'd love you better. If I knew how to love you well, I would drop everything. If you realized your potential, you would surpass so many. If you didn't scare the heck out of me, maybe I wouldn't be on all these medicines. If I quit taking my medicine, no one would ever see me. If you truly understood the ramifications of your actions, I would hope that things would change. If we realized how far our words really went, we would change the way we talked. If trusting people wasn't so hard, we'd be bestfriends. If you didn't lie, it wouldn't hurt. If you loved me, I would respond differently. If we were on the same page, there wouldn't be so much chaos. If I were able to change circumstances, I would in a heartbeat. If it were possible, you'd be mine about 9 years ago. If I were able to cry, it would be a disaster. If feelings were nonexistent, we'd all be screwed. If I understood your love for me, I'd stand with arms high and heart abandoned.

the inner ache is too much to bear

Here I am

One more day of not
Loving Him the way He asks
In fact my heart is singing praises to the things
that make me feel alright

So I’m sinking fast like a stone heart should
And on the way down
I’ve done what I could
To try and try to turn this stone to flesh

I’m haunted by my God
Who has the right to ask me
What by the nature of my rebellion
I cannot give.

So I beg for you to move
I beg for you to move
I beg for you to break through

So here I am
Got my deeds for the day
All my cute little words about
How I am saved
Am I saved?

Could I love you with my mouth like a church kid should
At the end of the day
My words get burned as wood
Oh, but I was good.

I’m haunted by my God
Who has the right to ask me
What by the nature of my rebellion
I cannot give.

These songs are noise
In your ears
A clanging drum
You want my love

So many unforgettable dates

Some things in life hurt...bad. And that hurt never seems to go fully away. There's the cliche phrase that "time heals everything" well that's a lie and I'm living proof. Time may help me learn to deal with things a little better but it will never completely heal my heart. That's God's job. But unfortunately I will still have those stupid scars to remind me of the wounds that were once there. At the same time those scars are important; they're what make up our story and God planned them that way. It's just crazy because these wounds and scars hurt so stinkin bad sometimes that I don't know what to do with them and nothing seems to make them better but I have to remember Romans 8:28 in those times. God heal my heart. Make it whole.

Speechless

I couldn't speak. It seemed like for the first time in my life, I had nothing to say to someone. I'm not sure whether it was anger, shock or what but that's what happened. I just sat there, silent. It felt awful until I just began to cry out to the Lord. I felt better. I knew it would all be ok. And ever since that day, I just imagine the Lord singing to her

Isn't she lovely

Isn't she wonderful

Isn't she precious

Less than one minute old

I never thought through love we'd be

Making one as lovely as she

But isn't she lovely made from love

Isn't she pretty

Truly the angel's best

Boy, I'm so happy

We have been heaven blessed

I can't believe what God has done

It's crazy how in hellish situations, God never ceases to show up and do amazing things. He always protects His children.

Hi, my name is Morgan and I am a heart hoarder.

Here it is. My logical mess. It's like the hoarder who knows where everything is. What she doesn't what removed, what she doesn't want revealed and what she does want healed. Welcome to my mess of a heart/brain.

After a day like today, I cant help but wonder...why? I woke up thinking it was just going to be a normal day, ha I'm beginning to think that such a day does not exist. Come 10 o'clock and someone whom is thought to be one of the toughest guys around sat and bawled his eyes out to me. He was broken right before my eyes and all he kept saying was "I don't know what to do Morgan...I don't know what to do." It was not a sight that anyone wants to witness considering the circumstances. I just wanted to make all the hurt and pain go away, but that not my job. It's like that game on the iPhone-the one where you have your own island and people and you can do whatever you want with them. If you don't like where they are, you just touch, drag and drop. It's that simple...in a fantasy game. But what about reality? What about when everything comes crashing down? Who's the master of iWorld? In his eyes, the master had turned on him and that broke my heart to hear. But anyway, we finished talking and both went about our days with tears in our eyes.

I was dreading 6th period today...but only because of 6th period yesterday. What are the odds that the entire class decides to debate the fact of whether or not I do drugs and sleep around right in front of me on 4/20? Dumb. There was only 1 person who claimed I didn't. What does that say about the impact I'm leaving on my friends at school? They may have been joking around but I know for a fact that 4 of the people in that class will swear on it that I'm a "partier". What does that even mean? They don't know me and I'm obviously not drenched enough in Christ or they would know where I stand. But 6th period today wasn't so bad, we got popsickles :-).

Then, I came home to take a nap and rest. I was exhausted. Haha that didn't work out too well, you know when you're sleeping and you suddenly think it's later than it actually is so you wake up in a panic attack? Yeah, that happened like 4 times. Oh well. But while I was napping, I got about a bagillion texts and I began to get concerned. Turns out it's happened again. This stupid sin has now invaded my school, my family, and now my dgroup. It's one thing that takes my knees out everytime and I don't know why. It appears to be something that I can't handle. But, I refuse to let it ruin my life because Jesus conquered the grave!

I left my house around 6 to go babysit some little munchkins and a 7 week old chocolate lab. All was well until the puppy decided it was time to attack lil 18 month old Maggie and me. She cried and I disciplined the dog while trying to consoling her meanwhile getting told by a 4 year old. Haha Bay is a little less fearful of a dog's terrifying chompers. Needless to say, we had baths and bedtime shortly after that. The parents were over an hour late and I was terrified. The conversations I had while babysitting were very interesting and not at all what was expected-but many realizations came of it. Also while I was waiting, I got a phonecall and again-that stupid sin! I was done for the night at that point. It was 10 o'clock and I was not about to cry in a foreign house. They got home shortly and left promptly. It was a strange ride home; it seemed to go faster than normal.

And now, I sit in my bed trying to make sense of the day's events. It would make sense to just crash and sleep, but I'm not really feeling it. All I want to do is talk to my God. I feel like Paul sometimes, when he's talking to the Philippians about his struggle with wanting Jesus to come back. I so real bad want Him to come back so we can party and I can be with Him for eternity finally but at the same time, there are so many who do not know Him and are not walking straight with Him. It's a constant battle in this logical mess of a heart. This morning I heard "Trust Me" and tonight it's Psalm 24:3.

You were there in the struggle, You were there in the fire, You were there all the time.

Sometimes too

I just want to cry...and nowadays anything is possible. Lord, I'm not ready for tomorrow but only by your strength alone will I be able to wake up and go about the day.

damnit

I hurt people without even realizing it. I listen to the lies. Is it even worth it? I don't know. And all that comes to mind is Luke. Luke 15...

friendship

I've been thinking about this for a long time-it just keeps coming up. It's something that is very near and dear to my heart actually. I love people, a lot. People are my passion. I love talking to them, and walking with them, and helping them, and playing with them, and laughing with them, and eating with them, and causing raucous with them-I just love it all-the good AND the bad! But, I've been pondering what a "true friend" is persay...I've been told a many of fallacies concerning what a true friend is and bah! it's all nonsense hence "fallacy" ha. So here's what I've come up with from my own personal observations and research. A friendship is not here one day and gone tomorrow. It's definately NOT one-sided.

As iron sharpens iron, so a man sharpens the countenance of his friend." Proverbs 27:17

Ok, so mostly everyone and their mom's dog knows this one, but it's legit man! Iron sharpens iron, it works together or else one comes out dull, yes? Same thing here! One feeds, another is fed. Another feeds, one is fed otherwise one will be left behind or underdeveloped persay. There is no superior and inferior beings in friendships. That's poppycock. We're to be equally yoked, I believe it. That may be taken out of context but I don't care, if it's that type of legit "true" friendship, that's how it should unfold. And when it comes to forgivenss in friendships, I've been thinking about that too, there are two types- the given and the asked for. You know what I'm talking about. True friends will always forgive, no matter what, legit. Therefore, there's technically no need to apologize if you have legitimately wronged them. And then the asked for, my heart tugs at this because it seems to come up more often then needed unfortunately. This is what occurs because the love for that friend is so much we want them to know that things need to be made right. Forgiveness on both sides kind of. I know that's kinda fuzzy but it makes sense in my head.

A wise man once said "a Christian cannot be a loner" and that is so true. Run and hide, keep secrets, refuse to let people in, remain unimportant to all-I've been there, but remember

Two people are better than one, because they can reap more benefit from their labor. For if they fall, one will help his companion up, but pity the person who falls down and has no one to help him up. Ecclesiastes 4:9,10

The helping hand will always be here. I experienced true friendship in Summer 2008 and that has yet to fail. I desire for others to experience true friendship from Jesus Christ first as I did and then allow it to reign free through them and pour into others lives. I don't understand all my friendships whatsoever and I NEVER will apparently but all I know is that there is a lack of friends in the world.

My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command. John 15:12-14

I don't know

Sometimes I just want to punch things...

As a senior in high school, there are about a bagillion choices to be made-where to go to college, who to room with, what to do on the weekends, whether or not to have a doodah, and the list goes on. But tonight, I made a teenty decision...BUT it still counts. I decided that I could never be a youth preacher, pastor or minister. I think that covers everything. It takes a very special person to be one. You have to be emotionally, physically and spiritually strong most of the time. Not all the time though because it's kind of necessary to let the Lord's strength shine through your weaknesses, that's biblical hello. But there are SO MANY KIDS! It would require so much trust in the Lord to take care of ALL of them ALL the time. I would try to be Jesus to each and every one of them. And I don't do sporadic closeness, and let's be real here, it's just not possible to be close to every kid unless you're involved in a youth group of 7 or 8 maybe. And us teenagers are so darn frustrating and stupid sometimes, I don't think I could handle it. I can just see it on the news now "Breaking News: Pastor indicted for strangling teenagers neck." I highly admire and respect youth pastors and such; it's just not for me. I wasn't ever planning on being one haha but that's one thing ruled out amongst the many decisions to be made in the next 4 months or so.

weepy day

We sit and we wait, we wait for that phone call. This phone call will determine what happens over the next year and maybe the next 5 years. It's crazy to think that the judgement of one person will determine where she will end up, what she will do, and in her eyes "if she is worse than the others".

I know how I feel right now just waiting, but I can't imagine how she's feeling right now. I just want to hold her and tell her that it's gonna be ok. I feel like a creeper a lot of the time. I think about her, what she's doing and if she's safe. I looked over at her today and just thought "What if things were different? What if they truly loved her? Selfishly, what if she were mine?"

We talked for awhile today-about life, school, home and the mall haha that girl is in love with the mall. I cannot imagine being 13 and scared out of my mind, not having any legit sense of security. And I wonder, if no one had ever told me what was right and wrong, I wouldn't know either. NO ONE has ever told her how to act! What the heck?! You send this girl who's been abused and neglected into life without any guidance, what do you expect? We were sitting in big church today and tears swelled up in my eyes because I realized that I was turning 18 soon and gonna graduate eventually. My dream for the past 3 years or so was shattered. But then, I started thinking...I might leave for college. What will happen? I don't trust any human being with her well being. There has yet to be someone to treat her as she should be treated, as a beautiful precious gift from the Lord. I don't know, I'm all scatterbrained. I trust that God will take care of her, He has thus far but I don't want to leave her. That's not my style. I don't do that. Maybe there's hope for when I turn 21, or maybe the good Lord will send her a loving family that will take her and show her God's love like no one has before. God, You know what she needs and You've been with her through everything with her since the day she was born and thus far. I pray that you watch over Your precious daughter and show her that You're not going anywhere and You want her to do well. Give her a huge hug, Abba. She needs it! Love her so much and I trust You, Amen.

The Puzzle Maker and Putter Together

Broken and on your face is the best place to be. All you can do is look up and allow Him to put the pieces back together.


To be continued...

Finally

I've been home for 4 days now and I've had PLENTY of time to process some stuff if not everything from a few weeks ago. So let's unload some of this mental process and see what we got...every teenager wants to be out of the house and on their own right? Ok maybe not every, but most have gone through that stage. I'd venture to say that very few have actually tasted that reality for any length of time. But those that have know just how terrifying and not freeing it can be. When you feel like you have to leave and you don't know what to do. You've got 100 bucks in the bank, a tank of gas and a bag of clothes for the week, where would you go? When what once was your only sense of security has crumbled into pieces, what do you do? People I thought would show up didn't, but that was my fault. People I didn't expect to show up did, and it was incredibly welcoming and comforting. I was given an oversized couch to sleep on, a few meals over the course of my stay and even a key to make me feel right at home. How did it all come about? Let's take it day by day.
First day, I had to say goodbye to 2 people, go to the doctor by myself for the first time ever and figure out where I was to reside for the next week. May seem easy? Not so much. I was a wreck and it took everything in me to just continue with the days activities. Day 2, I got detention for being late that was nice and of course I hadn't done any of my homework due to the last two days events. School wasn't too bad though, it never is. But then immediately after, my sweet sweet grandpa called and took me to lunch. I was still weepy but he understood and we small talked and then he bought me peach cobbler, a favorite. Love him! More stress was to come because then I had to go register for class by myself which had never happened before and it took like 2 hours. But then I went "home" and Patrick had made a delicious dinner and the three of us watched tv until I fell asleep. Day 3, was really chill until I got "home" and got that phone call. Oh that phone call I will never forgot. Let's just say it did not end well and I stayed with my brother. Day 4 was the same until 6 when I got another phone call requesting that I come home home. Not a lot of talk came of it, but much anxiety arose. I prolonged it as much as possible and didn't get there until like 10 or so.
It was quiet for a day or so until we all talked about everything. That was not pretty but a necessary process when a conflict occurs. It was a scary process and not a lot came of it, but at least I got to talk and it appeared that I was heard. Many would think that I was just another rebellious teenager, but the amount of abandonment I felt that first day doesn't compare. This all brought a lot of things into perspective for me such as who my family is, what they mean to me, and it also taught me that I'm stronger and weaker than I thought I was. Would I take it back? Not for anything. Did I learn a lot? A hell of a lot more than I knew before.
So then I processed how God worked in this whole situation?
-He provided me a mode of transportation
-He provided me with meals
-He placed Patrick and Whitney together awhile ago and that gave me a place to stay
-He provided me with strength when I did not want to go
-He comforted me when I was broken
-He put the pieces back together
-He mended those relationships
-He made me feel loved when I didn't see it
-He showed me which step to take next
-He never left!

So a friend wanted to watch this show today and that was fine. It was all she had requested since she got here and she'd had a rough week, but I did not expect what was coming. This show was basically the story of Brigitte Harris. It was about this girl who murdered and castrated her dad after a lifetime of sexual abuse. So many things about this story messed with my brain today. It could be the fact that a father, a father tortured his own flesh and blood so bad that it drove her to that point. Or it could be the fact that the she felt she had to take the law into her own hands in order to receive any kind of justice. She claims that she wasn't trying to murder him but only wanted to take away the tool that he mutilated her and her sister with for so long. Talk about heartbreaking, after all that she still wanted him to live. All this made me think, if every man or woman who has experienced or is currently experiencing sexual abuse of any kind went out and murdered the culprit, how many people in this world would be dead or alive at that? It's kinda crazy to think about. But then again who are we to take things into our own hands. Revenge isn't ours. Ah! But it's crazy to think about sometimes. I just wish someone would have told Brigitte that there was another way and that one day he would "terrify no more"-A Prayer for the Overthrow of the Wicked.

Why do You stand afar off, O LORD?
          Why do You hide Yourself in times of trouble?
In pride the wicked hotly pursue the afflicted;
          Let them be caught in the plots which they have devised.
For the wicked boasts of his heart’s desire,
          And the greedy man curses and spurns the LORD.
The wicked, in the haughtiness of his countenance, does not seek Him.
          All his thoughts are, “There is no God.”
His ways prosper at all times;
          Your judgments are on high, out of his sight;
          As for all his adversaries, he snorts at them.
He says to himself, “I will not be moved;
          Throughout all generations I will not be in adversity.”
His mouth is full of curses and deceit and oppression;
          Under his tongue is mischief and wickedness.
He sits in the lurking places of the villages;
          In the hiding places he kills the innocent;
          His eyes stealthily watch for the unfortunate.
He lurks in a hiding place as a lion in his lair;
          He lurks to catch the afflicted;
          He catches the afflicted when he draws him into his net.
He crouches, he bows down,
          And the unfortunate fall by his mighty ones.
He says to himself, “God has forgotten;
          He has hidden His face; He will never see it.”
Arise, O LORD; O God, lift up Your hand.
          Do not forget the afflicted.
Why has the wicked spurned God?
          He has said to himself, “You will not require it.”
You have seen it, for You have beheld mischief and vexation to take it into Your hand.
          The unfortunate commits himself to You;
          You have been the helper of the orphan.
Break the arm of the wicked and the evildoer,
          Seek out his wickedness until You find none.
The LORD is King forever and ever;
          Nations have perished from His land.
O LORD, You have heard the desire of the humble;
          You will strengthen their heart, You will incline Your ear
To vindicate the orphan and the oppressed,
          So that man who is of the earth will no longer cause terror.

Take Three..Action!

Car sickness. Driving. Texting. Wrecked. Lives. Destroyed. Families. Renewed. Love. Hurts. Scar. Burn. Twice. Born. Again. Forgiven. Exhausted. Love. Unfailing. One. Way. Wrong. Path. Forked. White paint. Run. Fast. Car. Pavement. Wound. Bleeds. Scar. Face. Smiles. Brighten. Lives. Change. Ways. Influence. Sparks. Fire. Spreads. Movement. Goodbye. You. Leave. Driving. Car sickness.

I can continue to sit here and wonder why these last 3 months have been as not fun as they've seemed aka hellish or I can accept it, praise the Lord and move on with life. I've come to realize that happiness, not joy, is an everyday fight and it's not something that just happens. When the only thing I've ever known to be truly stable begins to crash and burn, I have two choices...be upset or fight to be happy and make the most out of life. When it comes down to it, I've got no right to be unhappy. There is a stable roof over my head, clothes on my back, 5 cars available to drive, a fantastic school busting at the seams with God given talents, a community of people that I've grown intensely close with for the past 3 years, brothers who take care of me even when they don't have to, a dad who calls to check on me just because I'm his "shorty", a mom who has devoted lots of hours to help my brothers and me financially, grandparents who consistently check up on and care for me, literally the list could go on for days but the most important thing is grace and that should be enough. But when I feel like it's not and I want to bail or pout, I should remember...
"Your grace is sufficient for me
Your strength is made perfect
When I am weak
And all that I cling to
I lay at Your feet
Your grace is sufficient for me..."

burned

yesterday i got burned. my dad and i were fixing ski ropes that were frayed on the end so that my grandparents could actually use them to their full potential. we had to melt the end which involved fire of course. They caught fire and firey burning pieces began to fall which was a little alarming but not a big deal...until i went to throw something away and one of those firey burning piece fell onto my finger with a small sting. But the pain went away for a few hours until i got home and everything calmed down and was quiet and still. Then the pain kicked in a little bit, but only because i had to wash/scratch the ski rope material off and clean the burn out to avoid infection. The pain lasted through the night. And then today all that's left is a funny shaped mark that is a little sore but it will eventually heal completely and a scar is all that's left. But I've been thinking and in a way some of that experience applies to everyday life (parts of life). Let's break it down...yesterday I got burned by a person too. Haven't been legit hurt to the core in awhile but it happens and it was kinda like my burn. It only stung a little at first and then it got worse and worse. But then the washing out of it, the scrubbing out of all the dirt and grime- that could represent Jesus. You know, he comes in and wipes out all of this junk, hurt and grime pertaining to this burn clean. He's not just a band-aid. He's the medicine with the band-aid and then some. So then the wound starts to heal, but only if it's cleaned first which could involve forgiveness, restoration, boundaries or all sorts of things. The important thing is that it's healing though, that's huge! It's very painful but in the end, only a scar remains. And I guess the scar represents memories to remind us to not make the same mistake again like getting to close to falling firey things that burn. Both types of burns are painful and leave lasting damages which no one would opt to go through ever again.

Jesus, I know I need to say something. Amen

Scenes of you come rushing through; You are breaking me down, so break me into pieces that will grow in the ground. I know that I deserve to die for the murder in my heart, so be gentle with me Jesus...as you tear me apart. Please kill the liar; kill the thief in me. You know that I am tired of their cruelty. Breathe into my spirit. Breathe into my veins, until only love remains. You burn away the ropes that bind and hold me to the earth. The fire only leaves behind whatever is of worth. I begin to see reality for the first time in my life, I know that I’m a shadow, but I’m dancing in your light. Teach me to be humble. Call me from the grave. Show me how to walk with you upon the waves. Breathe into my spirit. Breathe into my veins, until only love remains...