Redeemer

Some days start off really bad. You just feel bad for whatever reason wanting to crawl in a hole and not come out feeling unworthy to even say the name...and then you get the courage to open that book. Hoping for a glimpse of hope somewhere in there, hoping for redemption, hoping for an escape. Looking to James for some encouragement and what comes of it- And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. So what do you do, get up and go. Endure to the next stage trusting that He will complete you and that you are what He wants. That "I am loved regardless of the things I've said and done. No mistake can change Your mind. I'm your design. Your love is mine right now!" Thanks James, for turning my day around and pointing my gaze to the Redeemer.

life gets complicated

where do you want me to go? what do you want me to do? when do you want me to go?

This is gonna hurt, this is gonna hurt like hell
This is gonna damn near kill me, sometimes the truth ain't easy
I know that you’re scared of telling me something
I don’t wanna hear, but baby believe that
I’m not leaving, you couldn’t give me one good reason
Love don’t run, love don’t hide
It won't turn away or back down from a fight
Baby I’m right here and I ain't going anywhere
Love’s too tough it wont give up no not on us
Baby Love don’t run
Let’s lay it on the line, I don’t care if it takes all night.

This is real life. Things hurt. Bad. Sometimes, the inner ache is too much to bear. And I know I'm gonna sound like a stupid teenager here, but people don't get it. People don't get the hurt that keeps me up night after night. People don't understand why I haven't bailed yet. People don't get why I care so much. But you know what, it's not fair. I can't help that I care so much. Sometimes I wish I didn't. It hurts so much sometimes. It doesn't make sense why I'm not able to adopt yet only because the law says I can't. Do they realize that I'm crazy? That I would literally sacrifice it all-school, money, car, everything. UUUGGGHHH!!! I can't stop thinking about it and it hurts like hell. 

What are you gonna say to God
When all you do is pray to God
To take the thorn away?
And all you hear him say is 

My grace is sufficient

Eh, welcome to life. It's unfair and a pain sometimes but it goes on.

The end...

defeated

this is the second time this week. Y'all are predators! How dare you befriend little 8th graders and corrupt them? Giving them alcohol, telling them what you did and when, trying to condition them to be something they weren't designed to be. NO! You are wrong. Do you even know what you're doing? Ugh I want to call you so bad right now and just tell you the harm that you're doing to this poor child. Do you even know what she's been through? You think you're so bad. I dare you to live 3 days in her shoes not knowing where you're gonna sleep, what you're gonna eat or who you're gonna talk to next. You wouldn't survive, I can promise you that much or you'd be begging to go home. I'm terrified to go to church tomorrow because I know if I see you, I'm going to say something to you and it won't be pretty.

my heart hurts for this girl. I beg the Lord to keep her safe, I beg Him to move in her life, I beg Him to keep her out of jail just until I'm 21 and can adopt her. This life just isn't fair. Once your dealt the hand your dealt, there's nothing you can do. She's been screwed from the beginning and doesn't know how not to fight for everything in life. my heart hurts for this little child. "You're old enough now to be tried as an adult" were words that came out of my mouth as I poured out my heart to her this week. "Are you scared of jail?" was one of the questions and the heart-wrenching reply was "I don't know." But the truth is, she's never known anything else, why would she be? She's just trying to survive and get through each day with some sort of inkling about tomorrow. She was shocked to know a tiny bit about my story but that's all I could give as it took all I had not to burst into tears as she was sharing her life story since she was 8. I cried all the way back to my dorm room, on campus, not caring who saw or what they heard me say on the phone. my heart hurts for her.

This was just kinda the icing to this no good terrible very bad week-2 of my girls being prey to older influences, one of which clearly got the blood in my heart pumping. I had a rough night then and I'm still recovering. I haven't stopped thinking about her and it makes me want to scream every time I think about it. I know the Lord is faithful and He takes care of His children, but sometimes it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel...