i don't know yet. was the pain worth it? were the emotions worth it? is it really going to help? do the words "trust me" and "it's not your fault" mean anything anymore? i just don't know. it's a scary feeling knowing that it's out. knowing that it's real. the nightmares were still there. is it going to help? was it the right decision? are these questions legit or from the devil? Hmmm...so many questions stinging my head like a bee on a finger at a snocone stand on a hot summer day!

irkin my last nerve

it never stops. it's constantly there and it just keeps going and going and going. it's that constant irritant that just irks my last nerve. i pray to God that it will just stop and go away forever but for some reason it won't. it seems like i've tried everything just to make it stop but it's only temporary. i should be ok with the fact that this is the way it is but i'm not. i'm angry and stressed, which just makes it worse. i'm confused and inadequate. i'm sad and happy at the same time. my emotions are all messed up. i've got to chill. jesus, chill me out. you seem to be the only method that lasts longer than a few hours. you are my satisfaction and praise you for that!

processing

here I am again and I don't know why. I just feel like I need to be writing, like I need to be saying something, like something needs to come out. But as usual, I don't know what it is...so what's the solution? Word association!!! Trust. Broken. Painful. Heart. Red. Love. Fail. Friendship. Church. Jesus. Cross. Death. Pain. Sacrifice. Everyday. Life. World. Evil. Screwed. satan. Angel. Heaven. God. Father. Daddy. Childhood. Fun. Play. Person. Rude. Hurtful. Heart. Broken. Trust. That's all I got for now. Jesus, I need you to calm me down.

even through the tears

Water you turned into wine, opened the eyes of the blind. There's no one like you...none like You! Into the darkness you shine, out of the ashes we rise. There's no one like you...none like You! Our God is greater, our God is stronger, God you are higher than any other. Our God is Healer, awesome in power, our God! Our God! Into the darkness you shine, out of the ashes we rise. There's no one like you...none like You! Our God is greater, our God is stronger, God you are higher than any other. Our God is Healer, awesome in power, our God! Our God! And if our God is for us, then who could ever stop us! and if our God is with us, then what could stand against! And if our God is for us, then who could ever stop us! And if our God is with us, then what could stand against! Our God is greater, our God is stronger, God you are higher than any other. Our God is Healer, awesome in power, our God! Our God!

woah

Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God. 
-1 Corinthians 1:9-11

What does this mean? Does it mean that there's no way for homosexuals to inherit the kingdom of God? I thought salvation was available to all? I thought every sin was equal and that God forgave sins. Are there unforgivable sins? I'm just so messed up, I don't know what to think right now. He needs to go to Heaven, I love him too much for him not to. God, work your magic, please!

it was a different feeling

"Another summer day has come and gone away in Paris and Rome but I wanna go home...Maybe surrounded by a million people I still feel all alone. I just wanna go home. Oh I miss you, you know. And I’ve been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you. Each one a line or two- “I’m fine baby, how are you?” Well I would send them but I know that it’s just not enough. My words were cold and flat and you deserve more than that. Another aerorplane, another sunny place...I’m lucky I know, but I wanna go home. I’ve got to go home! Let me go home! I’m just too far from where you are. I wanna come home. And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life-it’s like I just stepped outside when everything was going right and I know just why you could not come along with me but this was not your dream but you always believe in me!" I miss home so much and mostly the people there. I felt real and normal there, for once. I felt like I belonged. It was my home.