As a senior in high school, there are about a bagillion choices to be made-where to go to college, who to room with, what to do on the weekends, whether or not to have a doodah, and the list goes on. But tonight, I made a teenty decision...BUT it still counts. I decided that I could never be a youth preacher, pastor or minister. I think that covers everything. It takes a very special person to be one. You have to be emotionally, physically and spiritually strong most of the time. Not all the time though because it's kind of necessary to let the Lord's strength shine through your weaknesses, that's biblical hello. But there are SO MANY KIDS! It would require so much trust in the Lord to take care of ALL of them ALL the time. I would try to be Jesus to each and every one of them. And I don't do sporadic closeness, and let's be real here, it's just not possible to be close to every kid unless you're involved in a youth group of 7 or 8 maybe. And us teenagers are so darn frustrating and stupid sometimes, I don't think I could handle it. I can just see it on the news now "Breaking News: Pastor indicted for strangling teenagers neck." I highly admire and respect youth pastors and such; it's just not for me. I wasn't ever planning on being one haha but that's one thing ruled out amongst the many decisions to be made in the next 4 months or so.

weepy day

We sit and we wait, we wait for that phone call. This phone call will determine what happens over the next year and maybe the next 5 years. It's crazy to think that the judgement of one person will determine where she will end up, what she will do, and in her eyes "if she is worse than the others".

I know how I feel right now just waiting, but I can't imagine how she's feeling right now. I just want to hold her and tell her that it's gonna be ok. I feel like a creeper a lot of the time. I think about her, what she's doing and if she's safe. I looked over at her today and just thought "What if things were different? What if they truly loved her? Selfishly, what if she were mine?"

We talked for awhile today-about life, school, home and the mall haha that girl is in love with the mall. I cannot imagine being 13 and scared out of my mind, not having any legit sense of security. And I wonder, if no one had ever told me what was right and wrong, I wouldn't know either. NO ONE has ever told her how to act! What the heck?! You send this girl who's been abused and neglected into life without any guidance, what do you expect? We were sitting in big church today and tears swelled up in my eyes because I realized that I was turning 18 soon and gonna graduate eventually. My dream for the past 3 years or so was shattered. But then, I started thinking...I might leave for college. What will happen? I don't trust any human being with her well being. There has yet to be someone to treat her as she should be treated, as a beautiful precious gift from the Lord. I don't know, I'm all scatterbrained. I trust that God will take care of her, He has thus far but I don't want to leave her. That's not my style. I don't do that. Maybe there's hope for when I turn 21, or maybe the good Lord will send her a loving family that will take her and show her God's love like no one has before. God, You know what she needs and You've been with her through everything with her since the day she was born and thus far. I pray that you watch over Your precious daughter and show her that You're not going anywhere and You want her to do well. Give her a huge hug, Abba. She needs it! Love her so much and I trust You, Amen.

The Puzzle Maker and Putter Together

Broken and on your face is the best place to be. All you can do is look up and allow Him to put the pieces back together.


To be continued...

Finally

I've been home for 4 days now and I've had PLENTY of time to process some stuff if not everything from a few weeks ago. So let's unload some of this mental process and see what we got...every teenager wants to be out of the house and on their own right? Ok maybe not every, but most have gone through that stage. I'd venture to say that very few have actually tasted that reality for any length of time. But those that have know just how terrifying and not freeing it can be. When you feel like you have to leave and you don't know what to do. You've got 100 bucks in the bank, a tank of gas and a bag of clothes for the week, where would you go? When what once was your only sense of security has crumbled into pieces, what do you do? People I thought would show up didn't, but that was my fault. People I didn't expect to show up did, and it was incredibly welcoming and comforting. I was given an oversized couch to sleep on, a few meals over the course of my stay and even a key to make me feel right at home. How did it all come about? Let's take it day by day.
First day, I had to say goodbye to 2 people, go to the doctor by myself for the first time ever and figure out where I was to reside for the next week. May seem easy? Not so much. I was a wreck and it took everything in me to just continue with the days activities. Day 2, I got detention for being late that was nice and of course I hadn't done any of my homework due to the last two days events. School wasn't too bad though, it never is. But then immediately after, my sweet sweet grandpa called and took me to lunch. I was still weepy but he understood and we small talked and then he bought me peach cobbler, a favorite. Love him! More stress was to come because then I had to go register for class by myself which had never happened before and it took like 2 hours. But then I went "home" and Patrick had made a delicious dinner and the three of us watched tv until I fell asleep. Day 3, was really chill until I got "home" and got that phone call. Oh that phone call I will never forgot. Let's just say it did not end well and I stayed with my brother. Day 4 was the same until 6 when I got another phone call requesting that I come home home. Not a lot of talk came of it, but much anxiety arose. I prolonged it as much as possible and didn't get there until like 10 or so.
It was quiet for a day or so until we all talked about everything. That was not pretty but a necessary process when a conflict occurs. It was a scary process and not a lot came of it, but at least I got to talk and it appeared that I was heard. Many would think that I was just another rebellious teenager, but the amount of abandonment I felt that first day doesn't compare. This all brought a lot of things into perspective for me such as who my family is, what they mean to me, and it also taught me that I'm stronger and weaker than I thought I was. Would I take it back? Not for anything. Did I learn a lot? A hell of a lot more than I knew before.
So then I processed how God worked in this whole situation?
-He provided me a mode of transportation
-He provided me with meals
-He placed Patrick and Whitney together awhile ago and that gave me a place to stay
-He provided me with strength when I did not want to go
-He comforted me when I was broken
-He put the pieces back together
-He mended those relationships
-He made me feel loved when I didn't see it
-He showed me which step to take next
-He never left!

So a friend wanted to watch this show today and that was fine. It was all she had requested since she got here and she'd had a rough week, but I did not expect what was coming. This show was basically the story of Brigitte Harris. It was about this girl who murdered and castrated her dad after a lifetime of sexual abuse. So many things about this story messed with my brain today. It could be the fact that a father, a father tortured his own flesh and blood so bad that it drove her to that point. Or it could be the fact that the she felt she had to take the law into her own hands in order to receive any kind of justice. She claims that she wasn't trying to murder him but only wanted to take away the tool that he mutilated her and her sister with for so long. Talk about heartbreaking, after all that she still wanted him to live. All this made me think, if every man or woman who has experienced or is currently experiencing sexual abuse of any kind went out and murdered the culprit, how many people in this world would be dead or alive at that? It's kinda crazy to think about. But then again who are we to take things into our own hands. Revenge isn't ours. Ah! But it's crazy to think about sometimes. I just wish someone would have told Brigitte that there was another way and that one day he would "terrify no more"-A Prayer for the Overthrow of the Wicked.

Why do You stand afar off, O LORD?
          Why do You hide Yourself in times of trouble?
In pride the wicked hotly pursue the afflicted;
          Let them be caught in the plots which they have devised.
For the wicked boasts of his heart’s desire,
          And the greedy man curses and spurns the LORD.
The wicked, in the haughtiness of his countenance, does not seek Him.
          All his thoughts are, “There is no God.”
His ways prosper at all times;
          Your judgments are on high, out of his sight;
          As for all his adversaries, he snorts at them.
He says to himself, “I will not be moved;
          Throughout all generations I will not be in adversity.”
His mouth is full of curses and deceit and oppression;
          Under his tongue is mischief and wickedness.
He sits in the lurking places of the villages;
          In the hiding places he kills the innocent;
          His eyes stealthily watch for the unfortunate.
He lurks in a hiding place as a lion in his lair;
          He lurks to catch the afflicted;
          He catches the afflicted when he draws him into his net.
He crouches, he bows down,
          And the unfortunate fall by his mighty ones.
He says to himself, “God has forgotten;
          He has hidden His face; He will never see it.”
Arise, O LORD; O God, lift up Your hand.
          Do not forget the afflicted.
Why has the wicked spurned God?
          He has said to himself, “You will not require it.”
You have seen it, for You have beheld mischief and vexation to take it into Your hand.
          The unfortunate commits himself to You;
          You have been the helper of the orphan.
Break the arm of the wicked and the evildoer,
          Seek out his wickedness until You find none.
The LORD is King forever and ever;
          Nations have perished from His land.
O LORD, You have heard the desire of the humble;
          You will strengthen their heart, You will incline Your ear
To vindicate the orphan and the oppressed,
          So that man who is of the earth will no longer cause terror.