you're a mean girl cady heron!

"For the righteous will never be moved; he will be remembered forever. He is not afraid of bad news; his heart is firm, trusting in the Lord. His heart is steady; he will not be afraid, until he looks in triumph on his adversaries." Psalms 112:6-8

    There it is. Truth. So how do people think I'm living? How am I really living? I'm an unrighteous pansy to say the least. Even last night when sirens were going off all night, I lie awake,frozen by fear in my bed when I should've gone and gotten my parents. I'm terrified of driving but yet I won't let other people drive? I make sure to say "I love you" to those that I care about just in case something happens to them because I'm so scared that something will happen to them. I'm terrified of bad news. But it's weird because I try and do everything I can to avoid bad things happening (which never works by the way), and yet somehow it's all ok in the midst of the bad things. I'm able to trust the Lord then. But why not before? My heart is not steady. I am afraid. 

    Why am I such a scaredy cat nowadays? I used to be so tough. I used to have thick skin and would be the first one to confront the night. But now, I'm the first one asleep because I hate it and I don't go out much after dark. It seems like I'm afraid of everything now. What changed? And what's with all the change? I don't like change, AT ALL. I mean I know it's necessary and all but it's not always fun haha. 

    Now, how do I get to a point where I have a steady heart? I'm in multiple leadership positions and I have an unsteady heart; NOT OK! But, the Lord is in control and He will finish this part of me to completion. I know He will. That's one of His promises and I love that one! So do I just sit back and wait for Him to fix this? Surely not. There's got to be action steps that I can take towards being a righteous woman and having a steady heart. 

    Step One: Memorizing Psalms 111

    Step Two: Talking with my accountability partner everyday

    Step Three: Reminding myself of God's promise on sticky-notes :-)

Lord, you've got this one in the bag and I have nothing to worry about-

"I am the Alpha and the Omega," says the Lord God, "who is, and who was, and who is to come, the Almighty." Revelation 1:8

another part

you're so different than you used to be. what changed? did i change? did you change? Nah, i just moved on and i don't really need you anymore. sorry to be blunt, but you kinda screwed me over. it's kinda like the kid who begs and begs for the animal cracker but once he gets it, it's still not what he wanted. you were the reason for so much hurt and even now some. you're always there. i can't get one without the other and that's a little much. you can only say so little things that even those have lost meaning. you know my secrets and my pains but i wish it weren't so. you don't deserve to have that. i think that's what gets at me the most. very few people have been that close and it was not preserved, it was not treasured. it was abused, it was neglected, it was thrown away. there's no need to dwell on it though, tis in the past right? it's time to put it all behind and move on...without you. and there's nothing wrong with that. people come in and out of lives each and every day. i firmly believe that we weren't meant to be friends with everyone forever. 

let's lay it on the line

Dear blank,
I got a lot of things on my mind, which is probably the reason that I woke myself up talking last night and then didn't fall asleep for almost 2 hours.

First things first. People who have problems can't help people who have problems. Layman's terms:

Problems + Problems =More Problems

We all have our issues and we can't fix everyone else's issues. That's God's job. If we're so caught up in another person that we can't seem to function without them, that's another problem. I think the main idea here, is that there is a problem and people are refusing to address it. Pretty soon, it's gonna get messy but all we can do is wait for it to unfold and watch the Lord pick up the pieces.

Secondly, I'm about sick and tired of everyone being grumpy EVERY single day and claiming they "had a bad day." Get over it! You have the Lord, stop living by your emotions and accept the truth-"the joy of the Lord is your strength." Do you know who has had more than one bad day and they can still find joy amongst the chaos? The Hansens...I have never witnessed something so beautiful. I was at their house maybe 3-4 days after Nick died and there was joy. Not that there weren't tears and that it wasn't heart breaking, but we had community and reminisced about all the great times that had been had. And about that, do you know what's ridiculous? Posers/Fakes. All these people claiming that they were Nick's "best friend" and thinking that it's ok. I know it hurts losing someone in the community-he's not the first one. But it's not ok, because his actual best friend doesn't even feel like he can go to the special events that people set up because there are a swarm of people who feel entitled to be there because they were his "best friend" and who demand attention. If you're his best friend, did he ask you to be his best man less than a week before the crash? I don't think so! I may be a little blunt here but I'm tired of seeing grown men break down and get hurt by people who don't even realize the harm that they're causing. I may not be in the youth group every week but I know what goes on unfortunately. It's weird to think that I'm gone yet still involved but in a sense, I'm thankful because I know what to be praying for. MMBC is a special place and it's doing great things for those of us who will get out of our own heads.

Thirdly, your actions don't just affect you but they affect everyone around you. Sin is a fast-spreading disease and it's hurtful.

Lastly, I can't wait to go to Heaven! I have so many questions and I get so excited when I think about that moment. I'm not scared of dying-there's no reason to be if the moment I take that last breath, I'm swept away by my one true love. It almost brings me to tears to think about it. But at the same time, I always wonder when? When will God finish me to completion? When will I get to go and spend eternity with my Creator? I don't know but I'm super stoked!

Sincerely,

One strange little mind