long overdue

this post has been festering in my brain for quite awhile now but i just haven't been able to bring myself to write it because i don't know what's going to come of it. But it's time to just get it out there, it's been up there way to long.

This was the first relationship I ever had, my first concept of love. A relationship before I was even born, but a relationship at that. It was so close and precious that one would think it was the best a person could have. I depended on her for nutrition, breath, life. I could not survive without her; she was keeping me alive. She brought me into this world. And thus, my life began. I don't remember much about the first 10 years of my life except lots of soccer, baseball and football games as well as hunting trips and vacations. When I was in 3rd grade, our lives changes drastically and traumatically. I remember her just trying and trying to make everything right and make everything ok for our family. My dad was traveling when all hell broke loose and she had to move all of us so suddenly. To this day, I don't know how she did it without my dad's help. One thing she did that I will never forget about that specific day was going back to the contaminated house and getting my blanky even though it was risky. She risked her life for my comfort that still comforts me to this day. The next 3 years are all a blur for me honestly. But then I distinctly remember her in 7th grade. Our relationship was good, she was my stronghold. She, my brothers and I had to hold strong together while my dad was gone but mostly just me and her because my brothers were gone alot. But then she started working, and I had never experienced her working outside of the house. She couldn't pick me up from school and I didn't see her until 7 or 8 at night. That was really hard on me because I wasn't used to that, but we got over it and life moved on. Our relationship went down from there, regretfully. And then that next summer was possibly the worst summer yet. I spent my entire summer in Fort Worth, which was fine. I got to go to camp and hang out with my grandparents, who are legit I might add. But then it happened, the day before I was supposed to leave for cheerleading camp with my squad, she told me we weren't going home. I didn't get to say goodbye to my friends, family or boyfriend at the time. I didn't talk to her for 3 days straight because I was so upset, but honestly there wasn't any better way to do it i guess. I don't really know. But once again, I felt like our relationship was wounded. She didn't work for the first 6 months we were here and I felt our relationship begin to grow back together as it was just me and her again, without my brothers and dad here most of the time. But then she decided she wanted to go back to work...again. I cried and begged her not to, over and over but she didn't understand. So, she started back to work and our relationship  went downhill...again. And I responded so negatively this time because I was older and able to, I guess. I got really really sick that year and she was forced to quit her job, regretfully. Many doctors appointments and a surgery followed and then freshman year came. It was fine. Our relationship was healing and we began to grow back together. That year she was involved in a huge car accident that completely messed her up. It was heart breaking to see her have to go through that, but it was kool because we got to go to physical therapy together and share that painful moment together, but we were still sharing a moment together. The next summer came and my life was changed for the better and it was incredible! She was excited for me but eventually the excitement dulled down, which I should have expected but who knew? Not I. Sophomore year she went back to work and at first I was ok with it because the hours were flexible and the doctor was helping her recover from the wreck. But the flexible hours soon transitioned into the kind of days where I never saw her and was being raised by my 17 year old brother. I became this bitter, angry hurt 14 year old because someone was taking her from me. It got so bad that I stopped eating and ending up losing over 20 pounds that year. She never noticed the effect all of this was having on me and it took a youth leader taking him and her to lunch and bawling to them about what was happening. Even then, she didn't understand and our relationship continued to decline and decay. I started embracing the facts of it. Junior year came and I took it as it was. I wasted it away and was bitter and angry towards her for so much. Eventually a dear friend of mine told me that I had to stop harvesting all this bitterness because it wasn't helping anything and so I stopped. I gave it up. Things have never been the same but I'm ok with that. I understand that sometimes relationships just don't work. Now, it's my senior year and where are we? I'm trying to apply for college and she's telling me who I need to be and what I need to change? Our relationship is not where I want it to be, but all I can do is try to love her through my actions and not take anything too personally. I love her because of who she is, not what she's done.

when i first saw it, it looked like the light but all i did was cry. I cried and cried until that one person held me and then i felt safe. Why did the "light" seem to make me cry? Eventually I got over that and went on in this "light" wondering what exactly it was. I learned how to get along in this place, how to get what I want, and ultimately how to survive. I had to fight for everything; for food, love, and life. It was a constant war. As i went along, this light seemed to look more and more like darkness. But it didn't make sense to me. It was my first glimpse of "light"? How could i be so wrong about it? What i thought was light was actually this horrid hurtful place. A place where people hurt innocent people without even thinking twice. A place where there's so much hate towards others that they can't help but take their own lives. A place where children are treated like dirt, something to be walked on, spit on, and never considered to have worth when in reality they have so much more worth than the people who take advantage of them. But then what about those people? Where do they belong? Heaven? Hell? A place of peace or a place of neverending agony? It's beyond my comprehension right now. What I once thought was going to be a sanctuary of happiness, is now an evil place full of pain and hurt. All I have to say now, is welcome to the world, life.

just part of life

it's crazy how things change so quickly and unexpectedly. one minute you can be just chillin drinkin starbucks at your sewing machine and then the next you can be in the emergency room not knowing what to think or do because there are so many people and machines and cords going in and out. it's just crazy to think about...how life can literally flash before your eyes in a second. we take life for granted so much and why? is it because we're selfish? is it because we're ignorant? is it because we blind? or is it because we just don't care? The excuses are endless but none of them make sense. None of them seem to make it better. Things change. It's just part of life i guess.

sometimes

i want to stop paddling, jump out of the boat, and swim away...but i can't. I try to swim, run, anything to get away...but i can't. Why damnit? Why? God, i'm tired of this childish play. I'm tired of this game. Can we play a different one now? I'm tired of making the same move over and over again, only to fall down the ladder and have to start all over again. All in all, i'm just tired...i'm worn out and exhausted and out of ideas. I need you to carry me through this because i've tried to run on my own, and i keep falling flat on my face...over and over again. Oh and it'd be nice to sleep every one in awhile and not just stare at the ceiling for hours upon hours. Mehneheh.