abhorrence

Dear you,
       I'm disgusted...you are a monster. You think you're sneaky, you creep around trying to act as if you're not there but I know, I know you're there. I see little snippets of you every time words are spoken or acts are acted. I know you're present. You decieve and force the mind, tongue and body to do things that are out of the norm. You flare up like a putrid disease that goes away for a little bit but comes back with a biting stinging pain that is contagious and leads to so much pain and hurt that one can't help but scream and wrench in agony just dying to free oneself from your pain. You my sir, are a victimizer. You pick a victim and attack without thinking twice. You destroy the lives of so many by even the smallest things. The worst part of it all is that you make up these stories, you lie. You take something that could be so beautiful and pure and you maul it and twist it until it is so corrupt and misformed that you can't even see its original form. Relationships? Oh, you suck the life out of that too. With all the deceit, pain, lies and so much more how can it be normal? It just can't be my dear. One can spend the majority of their time striving to make it normal and healthy but once you enter the scene, you attack, you make one your victim, you attack, you decieve, you lie, you steal, you cheat, you cannot seem to make peace without first making war, you are a monster. I abhor you.
Morgan

a jacked up process

When I look around, I see so much hurt but more importantly I see faith that could move mountains, support like I've never seen before, and a community that knows how to tend to eachothers needs. And that should make everything better, right? Someone once said something along the lines of "Joy is an overall content in your heart even when your unhappy because you know of hope and what's to come." This whole situation is beyond jacked up and makes me want to scream and cry and hit things but all I can think is "Peace I give to you-My peace I leave with you. Not as the world gives do I give to you."

"Put your hands on your diaphragm. Breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth, slowly. In and out. In and out. We're gonna start at your toes, tense the muscles...tense your whole body from head to toes, and release. Now picture a light, starting at your toes, coming up your shins, knees, thighs, through your stomach and up through your head. It's full of warmth. It relaxes you. Imagine yourself heavy, sinking into the floor, becoming one with the floor and now imagine yourself floating..." It wasn't until I fell asleep that I stopped thinking about it, the thought never left my mind. I had gone so long without ever thinking about it or anything and then look at me now, I can't stop thinking about it. There's something wrong with this picture. My theatre teacher spent 55 mins trying to get us to relax on the floor in a pitch black room and I wasn't able to shut my brain off even for a little while. It did get me out of my bad mood but it still didn't stop the thoughts. A friend mentioned last night that I'm nearly constantly stuck in a particular state and I had never thought about it until she said it, but it's so true. That's not where I want to be- a sitting duck covered in tar attached to a decaying log. Maybe I've yet to embrace salvation for what it truly is? Maybe I'm allowing guilt to be present? Maybe I need a nap.

memories

Hey God, let's talk about memories. Should we start with the good ones, the bad ones, the ones we forget, the ones we remember...good ones? Alright. Shoot. Yes, they should be the ones I remember and hold on to, but that doesn't seem to be the case most of the time. Sadly. I always forget the most incredible things unless it's something that is life-altering or something of the sort. Why is that? True. Ok ok, I know that it's always the good times that I have to remember when things are starting to go downhill ie Mission Waco, friday nights, or something that raises my spirits in a healthy way. Nope, I don't want to talk about the bad ones. Because they're bad and not fun. Caught. A lot of the time, I'll remember the bad memories, hold grudges, and throw a pity party, but why? Why do I refuse to let go of the stupid past? But what if I want to forget them as if they never happened? I know it's a part of me, a part of my story, and most importantly a part of Your plan, but none of that seems to make it better sometimes. No offense. No, that's scary. God, I've witnessed you do some pretty incredible things and I know you're capable of so much more than we can fathom but when it comes to my mind, I need you take control of that thing again. My mind has a mind of its own and it does not behave itself, especially when it dreams. I don't really know where I'm goin with all this Dad except that something's not right; you know what's up with all my memories, dreams, thoughts, etc. Do what you do best! Love you. Good night.

word association

heavy. heart. love. hurts. female. circumcision. pain. cutting. blood. drips. tears. bedtime. sleep. deprivation. Jesus. loves. friends. everywhere. hurt. scars. memories. bad. hometown. memories. good. friends. sick. ignorance. abuse. hurts. deep. cut. razor. blade. iron. sharpens. friends. love. deep. love. grace. shown. light. bright. face. angel. precious. adopt. desire. want. her. rebel. fight. lost. key. heart. stolen. innocence. prized. passion. kids. cute. boys. stupid. questions. spark. fire. burns. scar. heart. grows. tree. life. happens. things. inspire. love. heart. heavy.